I’ve been trying to eat light(er) these days. I’m at a healthy weight, but I’m cutting back on grease and the heavy stuff that makes my tummy hurt. What can I say? Carbs are my best friends. I can’t abandon my BFFs completely, but I need to spend a little less time with them.
Yesterday I had lunch with my Mom at a local coffee shop. I broke down and had fries with my sandwich. I was like, “Whatever, I want them. I’m getting them.” Later in the day, I kept thinking about the fries. I would go as far as to say that I was obsessing over them.
I have not thought negatively about food since my wedding. In the months leading up to the big day, I think I had food and weight issues. It happened rather slowly, and sneakily. I kept convincing myself that this was normal and that I just hoped to look “good” on the big day. But as the wedding drew closer, I thought more about what I ate, how much fat or how little fat each food source contained, and studied myself in the mirror constantly. It was a new experience for me, because I had never really worried about my weight before.
Today I had this out of body vision where I saw myself obsessing over a french fry. It made me pretty sad. Then I was reminded of the issues before my wedding. That made me sad, too. I stepped back to clear my head, and spotted a magazine on my desk. On the cover, “Eat Your Way to Thin.” Great.
A lot of women I know have strange infatuations with food and weight. It can be such a sick relationship; one where power and control are so tightly wrapped up in the hope, journey, and success of being THIN. It can be a competition amongst friends, relatives, and strangers. I had this friend that when we used to eat at restaurants together, she would order the same thing I did, and make it a point to eat less food on her plate. It’s like she won some secret competition with herself if she ate less.
What is it about weight that means so much? Why do we do this to ourselves?