Asians view weddings differently than Americans; or so I’ve recently learned. Yes, take a look at my profile picture again. I am Asian American. However, I am fifth generation born in this country, and I was raised in a household where my parents valued my opinions and encouraged me to voice them. Mr. G, however, is second generation Korean American. His parents were born in the motherland. He was raised in a household where his parents’ opinions were never questioned, and obedience and obligation were high on the priority list. As a result, we are from very separate worlds when it comes to parental relations. Never have these differences been so pronounced than with planning this wedding.

It all started when Mr. G’s mom and dad showed up on our door step with an endlessly long guest list of all of their friends and acquaintances since the beginning of time. I thought to myself, “Oh, that’s nice. They’ve created a draft list for us to peruse!” Wrong. This was their list. The final guest list. No negotiating. No reasoning. No nothing; just a bunch of scribbled names of people I had never heard of. (And, for the record, some of these names were people Mr. G had never heard of either).

At first I was frustrated. I thought, “Why aren’t they listening to me?!” Then I cried. Then Mr. G got angry. Then he yelled. Then his parents yelled. Then silence. If their list wasn’t approved, they wanted nothing to do with our wedding. Some time passed, and we all stood in our separate corners stewing. Eventually Mr. G and I realized that we had to come to some kind of arrangement, because his parents weren’t backing down. In exchange for inviting most of their guest list, they would help to defray some financial burden. I think it was a fair compromise, but it also meant goodbye intimate affair with our nearest and dearest 100 guests. And hello, my big fat Asian wedding.

In the end, I have accepted it. It doesn’t negate the fact that there will be people wandering around my wedding that I have never met before. But I have accepted that there is this notion of obligation when it comes to my future in-laws. It is their way of life and a concept they hold in high esteem. Many of their friends have invited them to their children’s weddings, and they must invite these friends to our wedding. That’s how it works.

Although I have been raised with American values and my concept of a “wedding” comes from an American perspective, I have to attempt to respect my new family and their traditions as well. It hasn’t been easy. At times, I feel like I am giving up a piece of myself because I can’t truly be “me” around them. But at other times, I am enthralled by their sense of family, respect, and culture. I admire those values and look forward to passing them onto our children someday.

There are pros and cons, as there are with most aspects of life. But a wedding is just a wedding, and I have to try to care more about the marriage element of all of this. Mr. G is an amazing partner, and ultimately, he’s worth the bumps and scrapes I’ve endured on our road to marriage. At least, he better be or he’s in BIG trouble! 🙂

I definitely don’t believe my issues are exclusively “Asian”. I would guess they might occur any time two people from different cultures, religions, or races marry one another. Have you experienced any collisions on your road to marriage? How have you dealt with them?