Life Update: Climbing Out of the Black Hole of Infertility

August 21, 2018 Comments Off on Life Update: Climbing Out of the Black Hole of Infertility

I’m not sure where to start, but I know I want to share the current “journey” I’m on, if you’d call it that. Late last year, we transferred our only PGS normal embryo from our third IVF cycle. We were very hopeful that it would work, especially because this embryo had been tested (something we hadn’t done before in the past). The cycle resulted in a chemical pregnancy in late December. We were devastated, lost, and depressed.

I took a trip home to LA in February to be with family. I tried to get on with my life. Our intention was that this IVF cycle would be our last. I was hoping for “closure”, but I think ultimately I was really hoping that it would work. Since it didn’t, I had my work cut out for me. I didn’t realize how depressed I was until I started therapy again in March/April.

The next couple of months were hard. I had a tough time coping. Everything baby-related felt like a trigger, and I fell apart into a black hole of grief. I am so grateful for therapy, my husband, my mom, and especially friends who have gone through similar experiences of infertility. I am fortunate that my therapist specializes in infertility, so I was able to get the targeted coaching I needed to get through it. If you are facing infertility, I urge you to find a therapist who specializes in it. It makes all the difference.

I considered going back on anti-anxiety meds or anti-depressants to handle the overwhelming emotions I was experiencing. I decided that I would try to move on without medication only because I have a terrible time with withdrawals. For some reason, I am sensitive to these types of meds and it takes me months to get off of them. The withdrawal process can make the anxiety and depression so much worse!

Beyond therapy and meditation, I wasn’t sure where else to turn to help me sort out all my emotional issues. In late May/early June I started working out consistently again. I didn’t have high hopes as I have a lot of issues when it comes to working out. I have tried workout after workout, app after app, plan after plan. I have been in shape for short periods of time, and then fallen off for longer periods of time. This has gone on for TWENTY years, and I am fed up.

I knew I had to make a commitment if I was going to stick to it. I also knew that it had to be a very simple promise to myself. I promised to work out every day for twenty to thirty minutes. That was it. It could be any type of movement; so long as I moved. It could be at the beginning of the day or after Kaia went to bed. It didn’t matter. I just had to do it.

In my next blog post, I am going to discuss my fitness plan over the past few months. I am sharing my tips for anyone looking to find consistency and hope amidst a disappointing history of starts and stops.