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Every time I blink, there is another pregnancy announcement. Even the tabloids seem to be experiencing a baby boom. Some of the newly minted pregnant celebrities really make me scratch my head. THEY are pregnant and not me? Oooookay. But I’m not gonna venture down that slippery slope.
On top of all of the announcements, pregnancies themselves are somehow moving at an accelerated pace. Ten-ish months is a pretty long time, but when you’re NOT pregnant (I repeat, not pregnant) those months fly by and you can’t believe so-and-so already gave birth. Similarly, newborns are becoming toddlers in about five seconds flat. Our baby cousin who I cradled in my arms, in what feels like it was just a few days ago, is now walking all over the place. And apparently he also knows baby sign language. At the last holiday gathering, his parents kept trying to showcase his signing abilities while he gave them the equivalent of a baby middle finger by completely ignoring them.
“Everyone” is moving forward, and strangely I haven’t moved an inch.
We have been married for about two and a half years, and are in our early thirties. We have officially entered the marital phase/reached the age where people are starting to wonder, “Where’s the baby?” Perhaps we are having relationship problems? Maybe we don’t want kids? Maybe we are focusing too much on our careers? Oh, inquisitive minds, I wish the answer were as simple as, “I love my job, and don’t want to slow down to have kids!”
I don’t blame innocent bystanders for wondering where our offspring are. People are usually just trying to make conversation. Sometimes I get a little perturbed at the extent of the questioning or the way questions are phrased, but I get over it rather quickly. It just sucks to keep getting asked about things that you don’t want to think or talk about. Sometimes I get tired of having to be “bigger” than the situation in front of me. I want to be petty and throw myself on the floor like a toddler.
Have you ever felt like you are being left behind in life? Not just in the baby sense. Ever felt like you are stuck, feet frozen, while everyone else around you moves ahead?
hemborgwife
Yes I feel this way all the time since it seems everyone I know back in California is buying a house. All the time it is look at this link and we put an offer in while we are subletting not even full renting and will be renting in some shape or another for at least 5 years and while I am ok with it sometimes it feels like you said that you are missing some key part of being a grown up. Also my husbands younger sister has a house and a baby which is not what I want but sometimes just seems to be straight on mocking me.
More Than Rubies
I was one of the last to get married amongst all our friends. It seemed like EVERYONE was getting engaged except me. It made me sad at the time. Thinking of you, my friend!
Tiffany
I was feeling like that a few years ago- it seemed like everyone was having kids and buying houses and we just *weren't there yet* and it was, at times, frustrating.
Now that I look back on it, I am so glad we didn't rush things and now those people who were passing us and stuck in debt and can't afford to live comfortably, which we are finally moving right along.
I really hope things start looking up for you on the baby front- I can tell you'd be such a fantastic mother. <3
amyc83
I'm one of those lucky pregnant ones, but it took us a while to get here (not at long as many, I know), so I sort of know how you feel. I felt like everyone I knew was pregnant last year while we were trying, but I think it has gotten a whole lot worse this year. It's our age, as you said, and these things seem to happen in explosions. I remember when we were going to a wedding every month and I'm sure the friends of ours who weren't quite there yet felt similarly. Hang in there. Your life is still moving forward, just in a different way!
Layla
I'm always 10 years behind every one in major life decisions, so I pretty much always feel like this! But for me, I actually like it. I feel like life is going the right pace for me.
ambergontrail.com
I feel like this all the time. I have had the same job since I was 19- NINETEEN! We're still in an apartment and buying a house is probably a dream that will never be realized. I'm barely learning to drive (In fact, my second lesson is today). I feel like all around me people are becoming adults and I kind of stay the same. I mean, yeah, I have Piper, so she grounds me a bit with the responsibility of being her parent, but other than that I don't see any changes in our lives and it's weird because I feel like such a child sometimes.
shutterbugwife
God yes. I have a friend that is now pregnant for the SECOND time since I started trying. Yeah, she lapped me. I was just thinking the other day that it feels like so many people are moving on with their lives, having babies and doing all these fun family activities, while I sit here in the same place. I try my best to be grateful for my free time, alone time with my husband, etc and while that usually helps, I still get really down.
The other day I was crying on the phone with my mom and I just kept saying "I just want a baby" over and over. Not my best moment but that's how I feel sometimes. I just want a baby.
-J.Darling
"Have you ever felt like you are being left behind in life? Not just in the baby sense. Ever felt like you are stuck, feet frozen, while everyone else around you moves ahead?" OMG yes! During my mid-20's especially. There I was, "supposed" to be happily married (I'd just gotten DIVORCED – which I didn't think would EVER happen to me), and with a kid (1 adoption fell through and 6 months of being off the pill yeilded no results, but that's okay because the marriage fell apart anyway -NOT due to my infertility) – and all my friends were married, getting married, having play dates with their young kids, etc. I did feel pretty left out!
Okay – REALLY left out!
It took a long time for me to realize that are no "supposed to"s in life. Life comes at each of us differently and unexpectedly. Even those who "appear" to have life all figured out – don't have it any more figured out than you or me. It's really hard to find joy in whatever phase of life we're in. There is no rule that says we have to feel happy about where we're at all the time though. It happens to the best of us.
And I know what you mean about well intentioned questions/statements!
How many times have you said. "Wow, I couldn't do that." or "Isn't that hard?" to a military spouse? It's well intentioned – but point out that a thing is hard only exaggerates just how hard it is. Or the "I couldn't do that," makes us think for a split second that we did something 'wrong' by falling in love with a someone who happens to work for the government in (often) dangerous capacities. While I take such things as a compliment, I've noted many wives who HATE hearing it.
Try Anything Once Terri
As someone who is several years older than you and doesn't have children yet, it's amazing what people feel free to ask you about what you plan to do with your body and whether or not you'll be growing your family. It's downright annoying to the point where if I am around certain people I just leave the room . Luckily, within my close group of friends we are somewhere in the middle (i.e., some have babies and some don't), so I don't feel that I am odd or "not where I should be".
The area of my life where I feel behind is in terms of my career. I feel like a lot of people I know are making strides, and I have been standing still, if not regressing, in mine. That's hard for me, but then I try to remember that life is long, and we don't know what the future will bring.
Becky
Definitely over here in the kid, house and married dept. My husband and I were together for 6 years before getting married. Lived together for 5 of those years before making a move on a house. And….nothing in the baby dept. Right now I'm really feeling the pressure in the baby dept. I swear, in just the last six months, everyone around me at work, every other blog I read, college friends etc are all getting pregnant. It's weird, I've been interested in trying for a while but it wasn't until a few months ago that we both were on the same page and the minute we started I felt so behind and a serious clock ticking. And with every negative pregnancy test the pressure just seems to grow. It sounds so cliche but sometimes I just say to myself "good things come to those who wait" and in most cases things have worked out better than I had hoped for some things in our lives. Whose to say that "waiting" was any true factor but I'll continue to convince myself it was! 🙂
Krista
We don't get asked much. We got married the same month as you, as you may recall. I'm now 30, Wade's 38 … turning 39 very soon. Yet we don't really get the question. Maybe once in a while, but not much.
I wonder why not?
I have a (finally!) advancing career, and Wade's older, so maybe people think I'm focussing on that. Maybe I'm off-putting, so people don't want to ask.
When we first got married, I said we'd wait a year and then see. After a year, a few people asked, and I brushed it off saying a year came up quickly. Less and less people ask now.
I don't know … but I know lots of people who are pregnant. I think when you're late-20s and early- to mid-30s, you'll start to see it more in your friends.
But yes, I sometimes feel left out, left behind, and generally out of the loop. In many things. I think it's a normal feeling.
honey my heart
i did not feel like i was being left behind until recently! i've known of friends getting pregnant, but it wasn't until my good friend from hs and my close friend from college announced their pregnancies that i started to think that things are changing quite fast. i know kids are in our future, we want to wait a year or so, but now i'm feeling like we sort of have to rush it.
Katie
I totally know how you feel. Whenever I log into Facebook, I'm assaulted by pregnancy updates, pictures of babies, and even kids a few years old now. It blows my mind, and makes me feel like I'm way behind in life for not even being ready for children yet. My husband is 4 years older than me, so his age is usually what spurs on the "when are you having children" questions…since he is solidly in the age bracket when we "should" be doing that. It's really awkward to answer those questions, and it's hard to not feel like we're doing something wrong for not being up with the "timeline" that everyone else seems to be on!
Anonymous
Hey Carly, this will probably make you chuckle… but I found your blog via Google search when I type in, 'everyone else moving on having babies and getting married except me'! (lol)
This post resonates exactly how I feel too, since I received news of another pregnancy amongst my friends this morning and yup, I'm off to a wedding this weekend – so it's been pregnancies and weddings for me – a double whammy. (I'm also in the same age bracket as yourself – so very sick and tired of friends and family asking the same thing over & over again)
What's super rubbish is that I have PCOS (4 years +), although I don't have the obvious symptoms – overweight/extra hair growth, not being to ovulate regularly or at all is pretty upsetting. We've been trying for close to 3 years now and have had 2 rounds of IUI but no joy yet… So if I have a missed period I can only assume it's PCO kicking in.
Anyhow, like you I often put on my 'happy' face, because deep down I'm happy for my friends, I love them & act the bigger person, but usually the news (day 1) catches me by surprise and then I sink into this 'it's not fair' mode and feel a bit sorry for myself for a little bit before perking up again. Im so desperate to have some kind of 'good news' that I want to share, but it just isn't happening.
All I can say is to don't give up, there is hope and it's important to not get bitter ("Don't let comparison steal your joy")- tricky I know, but staying positive does help lovely.
I'm yet to check your home page to see if you have good news…. Fingers crossed!
x.o.x.o
S Watson
I just stumbled across your blog, and really appreciate your thoughts and ventings….because I feel exactly the same way. My husband and I have been trying "naturally" for almost a year, but I always knew that something was off with me since my periods have always been irregular…not "a couple of days off" irregular as some friends of my complain, but irregular as in several months with NO period….fun when you're not worried about getting pregnant but suddenly an extremely frustrating problem when you want to get pregnant! It took my ob/gyn almost a year to finally get me tested and diagnosed with PCOS, and all the while I kept wondering why my concerns and questions to her about my irregular periods over the last few years never caused her to have the thought, "hmmm…maybe somethings is off and we should check it out?" Needless to say, now we're going through the fun experience of finding a fertility specialist that a) works with our insurance company (that alone has been a whirlwind of phone calls, conflicting answers, and confusion!) and b) isn't 45 minutes away. I just had such high hopes that things would "happen" during a moment of passion as it seems to have happened with most of the other married couples we know. The hardest thing for me to hear is "We weren't even TRYING! Ooops!!" or "I was actually on birth control when it happened…guess it's not always 100% reliable! Hee hee!" when I feel like we've done everything right! I'm afraid of how long this is going to take, the financial cost, and of how it will impact our marriage, but there are so many blessings as well. It's made me stop and try to enjoy the time me and my husband have "just the two of us," since I know that once children come along it will change things (of course in positive ways, but with some adjustments!). I'm also realizing what a supportive husband I have, since he's been willing to let me cry, vent, and complain to him whenever I need to. I've been reading the Bible more and turning to God in my times of confusion and doubt, and He has been a comforter and friend in new way for me (although sometime I just rant and rave to Him and demand to know why it seems "easier" for everyone else and harder for us!) I'm trying to stay hopeful and optimistic, since it could be a really long process or it could happen next month. sometimes the "not knowing" is the hardest part! I'm also trying to be genuinely happy when I hear another pregnancy announcement….and another….and another. Whoever made the comment about having friends 'lap" her: I totally feel your pain! Praying that God will help you conceive a precious little one soon! 🙂 Thanks again.