I looked back at my posts lately, and realized that I don’t have much to show for my writing (or my life for that matter) other than blubbering on about trying to conceive. It has become somewhat of an obsession; an obsession that I would like to make peace with for awhile. While trying to conceive has been a constant in our lives for a long time – living, thinking, and breathing infertility has reached epic proportions lately. In short, I need to cool it.

The clincher occurred late last week when we were told our latest IUI was postponed. Our first attempt was cancelled. I never told you about that, because it was horrible, and I am trying to erase it from short term memory. But after this latest road block, I broke. As I sat in my fertility doctor’s reception area waiting to pay him $200 for more bad news, I literally wanted to scream. Infertility, you broke me. Congratulations, f*cker.

Nothing has been easy for us; not one step. I could not placate my feelings for another moment. I finally accessed those tears I told you about that went missing during the earlier part of this year. I let the overwhelming sadness in my heart mingle with the disappointment in my mind. Heart and mind had a long, overdue rendezvous, and it wasn’t pretty. I told L that he should consider finding another woman in his life, because I wasn’t cutting it anymore. Not a personal high point. He held me, and we cried together. Our marriage is far from perfect, but whoa, we still totally love each other. How is that even possible after all the shit we’ve been through? I cried to my mom about all of the infertile things I could never say to her over the past two years. She listened through the phone, and told me she already knew. Turns out moms feel everything we are going through even when we say nothing. At this point, she doesn’t give a shit about grandchildren. She just wants me to be okay. She’s told me that before, but I really needed to hear it at that very moment.

I’ve been quiet and contemplative the past few days. I think I need time to just be, and figure out where I am going from here. I had a different outlook on life before this baby stuff took over. It’s difficult to see that outlook slipping into obscurity. I always said I wouldn’t be that sad, barren woman. Lately, I am learning that I am that woman, and it’s okay. I repeat: it’s OKAY. It’s okay to be sad sometimes. It’s okay to feel defeated. I’m emotionally bruised and beaten up, but I’m still me.

The month of December has actually been pretty good for us minus the fertility treatments. I’m looking forward to a new year, and new opportunities. Hope is always there, but we need a fresh start. I was trying to be all cheery earlier this month, but, I just want this year to end. This makes my participation in WEVerb#11 a little tricky, but I still want to try and keep up with some of the prompts!

{Us at Joffrey Ballet’s The Nutcracker. Doesn’t L look beyond excited for his first ballet?!}

Thank you all for your continued support. I’m thinking of all of you this holiday season whether single, dating, married, divorced, child-free, trying to conceive, infertile, pregnant, or parents! Did I miss anyone? You have been such lights in my life.