When do you stop trying?
I was attempting to figure out who said, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results.” Some sources say Albert Einstein, but others say that is incorrect. I decided I didn’t want to waste more time trying to figure out who really said it, so fill me in, if you know.
That quote popped into my head while I was thinking about writing this post about infertility, more specifically the grueling process of trying to conceive. If we are going by the above definition, then L and I are most definitely insane. Well, I am probably insane. I think L might still have a few marbles left.
I haven’t been very good at recording the actual number of months we have tried to conceive, but it’s a lot. A lot of months of sex between days 10-16. A lot of months of furiously checking that toilet paper. A lot of months of ovulation predictor kit sticks. A lot of months of waiting. A lot of months of disappointment. Blah. Blah. Blah. I’m sick of talking about all of it.
My point here is no matter how many days/months/years it has been, I keep hoping for that plus sign or that second pink line.
When do you stop trying?
When you’re infertile, the answer is pretty much never. You never stop trying, because despite failed fertility treatments and medication, despite disappointing ultrasounds and bad test results, you are always hoping that that one superstar sperm will find your deserving, fragile egg, and they will join together and make their way down the treacherous terrain of your damaged fallopian tube to settle in your scarred uterus for the next nine months.
That candle of hope continues to burn brightly in my infertile heart. I don’t imagine the flame will ever flicker and die off until I truly have no reason to hope anymore. When is that? Menopause? Because even if the fertility treatments don’t work, and we are at the end of our medically induced infertile road, I don’t think I will ever completely give up on the possibility of a miracle.
Does that make me insane? I seriously don’t know!
c
no! this does not make you insane…. this only shows that youre wonderfully brave! i dont no what would i ever do if i were in your shoes. i'm tearing up reading this. this is a lot to ask for, but please never lose hope.
mental note to self: next time i walk by a wishing fountain, i will wish that you can have the baby you've longed for.
Michelle
carly, you aren't insane, not in the least. you are so incredibly courageous to keep on trying to keep going down that difficult path without giving up hope. you are brave and i admire you so very much. xo♥
ruthy ann
My husband and I have been trying for 6 months…I know it's not a long time, I have no idea if we have fertility issues or not…but i'm not getting any younger. My faith has helped in the sadness of only seeing one line on the pregnancy test. A friend of mine who had fertility issues told me that when she was trying someone told her when she got pregnant, "God picked out the exact moment you conceived…the life of your child was timed perfectly to align with all the lives he will impact." I try to remember that–it helps give me peace that my timing is not perfect, but God's timing and reasons are.
Vanessa
I don't think it makes you insane at all. It makes you hopeful and I don't see anything wrong with that. One of my best friend's mom tried for years with no results. She ended up adopting my best friend and then 2 years later, adopting another boy. Within months of adopting the second chid, she found out she was pregnant. She went on to have that healthy boy and another one following that. All this after being told she was infertile. Sometimes things just take longer to come around than we'd like them too. Keep hoping, I think you are a strong woman and I admire you writing these posts. <3
-J.Darling
Totally normal for where you're at. Hang in there! Hope is a good thing. At what point do you stop peeing on sticks, etc is up to you. In my view, any time you aren't protecting against getting pregnant, you're "trying". There really isn't a grey around with baby making. Hopefully your get away gave you a chance to relax. Those darn stress hormones are the worst -and make it all so much harder. It's a true challenge to find a balance – and one you're rising to! That's something to be proud of.
But I know what you mean about being tired of the drama (and tired of talking about it)! I feel the same about my own blogging and My Sailor's deployment. I just don't want to talk about it anymore. But at the same time, it's always on my mind, so it's impossible not to – and equally impossible (and dishonest) to pretend like something difficult isn't happening to me.
I wish I had a blogging solution! So far all I've come up with is to post a few light hearted things here and there.
Anonymous
I'm not in the stage of my life where I'm ready to have a baby yet so I can't say I relate to what your'e going through but this post brought a tear to my eye. You wrote about your struggles so beautifully. I hope one day you have an equally beautiful post about holding a baby in your arms. – nic
@EndoJourney
It makes you completely human. Never lose hope friend. We're all rooting for you!
Sugar
Results can change and do!! So don't give up. Thinking of you guys!
completelyrandomsally
As one insane gal to another, I promise you aren't insane. I have hope for you. I have hope for me. My results haven't been great at the doctor, but hope is really all we have left (besides a lot of expensive medicine in my fridge – sigh)
Chanel
It makes perfect sense because it has proven possible in many couples cases. I truly hope for the best for you and your hubby. Would you ever consider doing a post on your take on adoption? I'm not sure if you have done one already and maybe I just missed it. But I've been really curious as to how you felt on the topic.
@EndoJourney
Really love your blog and gave you an award! Check it out at: http://journeywithendometriosis.wordpress.com/awards
Rebecca
Yup I'm insane too. I'm going to keep trying and trying until my ovarian reserve is gone.
BeginningtoEndo
I love your blog and I have given you an award. Check it out at http://thebegingingofendometriosis.blogspot.com/p/awards.html