Thank you all once again for your insights on my last post. Thank you for not making me feel crazy. Thank you for seeing it from both sides, and putting yourself in my shoes. I honestly could not make heads or tails of the situation, and your comments helped me a lot. I responded in the comments section with a bit of an update, and I’ll elaborate here.
L and I had a short conversation about what I had written on my blog. His immediate reaction was that he won’t go to the bar anymore. He was surprised that I was uncomfortable with the situation, but understood more clearly when I asked him how he would feel if I were carrying on a friendship like this. He wasn’t thrilled, but you know what? I haven’t been thrilled since he became a regular at that bar. So, I guess we are now equal in the not-so-thrilled department, no? (Clarification: He is allowed to go where he pleases including the bar. I’m not his parole officer. He just needs to be mindful of my feelings, and I prefer he goes when the other Carly is not around.)
I immediately felt sick, because I hate to be the bad guy. But, in the same vein, I don’t want to sit around stewing over things, being passive aggressive, and not speaking my mind. When we first got together, I think I was a lot more vocal about how I felt about mostly everything. Somewhere along the way, I’ve lost my voice. I know it’s because of my guilt. I feel guilty that I’m not healthy all the time. I feel guilty that I don’t want to go out as much as I used to. Guilty guilty guilty. But I don’t feel guilty enough to allow my husband to engage in a relationship that I’m not comfortable with. A girl’s got to draw the line somewhere, and I think I found a place to draw that line.
Penny
I think sometimes it's hard to talk about this stuff with the partner/SO/spouse. You feel guilty for feeling uncomfortable and then weird about telling the other person you feel strange about it – it's just awkward sometimes. I think everyone, male or female, can relate.
Woman Warrior
I think you did the right thing as hard as I know it was. By saying something you held your relationship to a higher (healthier) standard which is going to make you both so much stronger in the long run. I know how that guilt can creep in and I'm so glad that you pushed it away to talk to him. Proud of you dear! 🙂
Amanda
I think it's great that you talked to him! It's so important to always communicate to each other how you're feeling, and I think it'll be hugely helpful for him to know how you feel about this situation.
-J.Darling
Good for you for having a rational, emotional conversation, and good for L for seeing your side! I know there will be times when my guy chooses to go hang out at the bar with the guys rather than hang out with me – and I'm okay with it. My "my time" happens in the gym or whenever I'm working out. Sometimes he comes with me, but most of the time, it's solo and I LOVE it.
I think it's sad that people don't respect marriage by simply keeping the flirting to a minimum to support the couple in their marriage. But at the same time, GOOD FOR L for taking a stand for your relationship! Everyone likes attention, but it's all too easy to "encourage" it. I can understand a waitress or waiter flirting (my guy used to be a server and he admits he did it for better tips), but accepting freebies from them on a regular basis is kinda a fine line…
The guilt thing can be powerful thing, but I hope this experience will help you speak up when you feel something isn't right. I'm sure he sees that you don't want to hold him back.
If it makes you feel any better, there are times when you'll be a homebody, and times when you'll be restless. He'll probably have those times too. Life is full of changes and being on the married coaster means you're both along for the ride.
Maybe you guys might consider taking a walk in the evenings together? Might be a good chance to reconnect and express those feelings in a way that you don't feel like the heavy hand?
Jessica May Lords
I'm glad you guys were able to talk this out; there really was no end result that would make you BOTH super happy and content, but now you're talked about it. I think that's really healthy, and I'm glad that he understands your feelings.
Angela
I'm so glad you talked to him and he understood immediately!! I loved how his first response was to stop going even though you didn't ask him to. It seems to me that he loves you deeply and will do whatever it takes to make you happy and make your marriage work. I think communication, love, and mutual respect are the cornerstones of any healthy, mature relationship. Good for you and L!