{view from the train}
This week has been quiet on the blog. It wasn’t intentional. My life just wasn’t particularly blog worthy this week. Is it ever? 😉 I feel like I’m in a transitional period. I’m transitioning away from my super sluggish, surgery self and into whatever you’d call my state of being one month later. Semi-recovered?
I was in San Diego for a few days earlier this week. L was there, too. We spent most of the time we had together fighting about stupid shit. Ironically, that morning, L’s friend had just told him she thought L and I had the best relationship she’d ever seen. L texted that to me, and it brought a big smile to my face. Later that night, we did nothing but bicker and ended up sleeping in separate double beds. I remember thinking what a crock of shit! We aren’t a couple anyone should look up to. We suck.
We woke up the next morning, and I left on the train.
L had to be in San Diego a bit longer, so I went home alone. I have never taken the train from San Diego to L.A., and it is seriously so gorgeous! I loved having some alone time. Time for myself. It was my favorite part of the trip. That made me feel guilty, because shouldn’t my favorite part of any trip somehow involve my husband? It almost always does, but not this time.
And, I think that’s okay.
L is my life partner, but sometimes, especially lately, we just need a break from each other. I can tell he’s sick of me. Sick of me not feeling well. Tired of waiting for me to feel better. Exhausted from my complaining. I’m not stupid. I can only imagine the toll my health issues have taken on our relationship.
It’s a new normal for me, for him, and for our relationship. I know that he didn’t ask for a broken, sick wife. So when he’s reached the limit of what he can take from me, I shut the fuck up. I let him have his space. Honestly, we both could use some breathing room. There is only so much I can take from him, too, before I blow my top.
But we are adjusting and trying to learn to deal with it the best we can. Crazy as it sounds, my health isn’t the toughest thing we’ve had to face as a couple. A lot of shit has been thrown our way. We are really strong people, individually and together.
I’m grateful for that.
We have had a few deep heart-to-heart talks since the disaster that was San Diego. I left each conversation wondering what it meant? Are we somehow regressing?
It’s now a couple of days later, and we are fine. This is marriage. It isn’t perfect. We aren’t in love every second, every hour, every day of the week. Sometimes it just flat out blows.
But then your husband texts you, “Happy Anniversary!” and you remember today is the 7 year, 10 month anniversary of the day you became a couple. And he remembered it first thing in the morning before you even had time to brush your teeth.
And today is a better day.
Have a great weekend, everyone! Enjoy yourselves.
hemborgwife
We had one of those weeks recently where even if he was saying something nice I wanted to just scream at him and vice versa. Living in a studio apt. does not help because the only place to get away is the bathroom. One time I was so frusterated I decided to take a shower and since I was angry I just got in and totally burned my feet on the hot water. Really looking forward to when we have a bedroom and living room to seperate in!
momentspassslow
So true. I love the honesty. Everyone should be as open and honest about relationships as you are. My husband and I have received the "you guys are the best couple" comment a few times, and I too have said "if you only knew that we totally argue!" … but then I realize that is normal, and it is probably for the better. We don't think we're perfect. We would never hope to be — but we're just perfect for each other. (Totally stole that line from Robin Williams in Good Will Hunting, no shame in my game.) Happy Anniversary!
conventionalbliss
And this is why I <3 you. REAL.
When girlfriends ask me what marriage is like, I've come up with a couple sentences that sums it all up.
"Hubby and I don't like each other every day. But, we love each other every day. We choose to make it work every day. Because marriage, takes a LOT of work. But there isn't anyone else that I'd rather be happy, angry, sad, mad, and everything in between with than him."
Rizza
Amen! I definitely agree with what you're saying. Sometimes a little bit of space or time away from each other can be a good thing. It helps you refocus on your relationship and think about life in general.
Glad to hear you are feeling better! =)
-J.Darling
Very true – sometimes marriage, as it is a part of life, is messy. It's how you clean up from it that matters.
This post was very insightful though, but I want to tell you how couragous it is to put out on the web that sometimes you guys battle, which is fine.
As someone who has struggled with fertility issues that cause me to wax my face every other week (hair growth didn't end when the affected ovary was removed) and battled with my weight since the 3rd grade, I do have some insight to what you're going through. It does mess with yourself esteem. I was dx'd at 19 so I've had a long time to come to a conclusion about it:
Decide what in your life defines you.
When you wrote: "I know that he didn't ask for a broken, sick wife." You're probably right. But I doubt it's your health issues that he's tired of. He might be tired of a wife who believes she's "broken". In a lot of your posts, it seems that you believe that your worth as a woman lies on your ability to get pregnant or not.
L married you for better or for worse, in sickness and in health.
I don't mean to lay into you. I just want to encourage you to take some time out for yourself, and decide for good what labels you want to live up to – and then make some effort towards them every day of the week. Decide what you have that is unique to contribute to the world (that doesn't come in the form of pregnancy – while I'm sure that will happen at some point, you are still you with or without a child).
Once you define who you want to be and move towards it, it'll be a skill you can teach your child someday. (And you can define who you want to be as a couple too and move towards it a little more every day – sometimes something as simple as deciding that NO MATTER WHAT, you'll kiss goodnight for at least 30 seconds before bed every night, or deciding to embrace for at least 15 seconds before going your seperate ways for the day, can turn the tide!)
Hang in there. He loves you. You love him. 😉
Amanda
Sometimes space can be really important – I think it's great that you guys both recognize that and are okay with taking some time apart!
Layla
Josh and I have been going through some very similar issues. We have fought – screamed at each other – and we don't normally argue. I think he's tired of taking care of me. He's at his limit and that's normal – I would probably reach a limit too if it were him. We worked through it, not without some scabs that will turn into scars.
We can't help what is wrong with us, or feeling unwell or any of it. All we can do is get through it. And I know you that you and I, and L and Josh, are all doing the best we can with what we have. That's all anyone can ask of us right now. <3
Jodi
I'm not even married and I often need my space. Haha! Glad you guys are good at working out your differences and seeing each others needs. Hang in there!
Anni
Thank you for such an open, honest post. I think that every couple has certain periods of time where things are good for a long time going, and then hard times. It's tough to see the end of those hard times, but you're in it for the right reasons, and I think you're doing the right things. It's okay to need alone time, and it's okay to be struggling with personal things. It's how you go forward that counts. Best of luck, and please keep writing the honest posts! It's refreshing to read.
megan marie
This post really hits home with me! I know how you feel. Living with medical issues is hard on relationships! I know that my husband has to be tired of hearing me complain about my health issues. I know when to back off, when it is too much for him to hear. It is hard to find a balance.
Alycia
call me a bad wife, but i cherish those moments to myself. i love my husband, but sometimes i need to be alone in my own thoughts.
you and L have a very strong relationship, but it's not perfect [nor should anyone expect it to be]. just live in the moment and enjoy your time together- and apart :o)
honey my heart
thanks for sharing your story about space. sometimes i have space issues and i know my husband does, too. it's not always the best for us to be constantly together, and we periodically crave space. and you are so right, this is marriage.
Mo
Well said Carly. We've been having a lot of issues lately (I've been hesitant to post on my blog, but perhaps you have inspired me!) and it's made me realize just how hard marriage can be. We need our space, we need our individuality, and it's tough to be expected to be in luuuurve 24/7.
I'm sorry San Diego was such a disaster, but if you're ever back in town and in happier spirits, let's meet up!