While I was writing my Fertility Fine Tuning post, I began cataloging all of the good and bad things that have come out of the whole baby-making journey. It is a journey that is so often described as arduous, nerve-wracking, and scary. I have definitely felt all of those emotions. However, as someone who has been through a number of lows, I truly appreciate and want to talk about the highs that this path has blessed me with.

A major high is the intimacy I have shared with my husband. Without getting too graphic, I’d like to take a few moments to touch on how long(er) term baby-making has helped my marriage.

Mom, you may want to stop reading.

Since the beginning of our relationship, L and I have had a strong chemical attraction. In other words, we never had a hint of a problem in {ahem} the sex department. See Mom? I told you to stop reading!

Anyway, while passion in our relationship came fairly easy for both of us, it changed drastically as a result of my health problems. Due to my constant spotting, my anxieties, and my physical weakness, I didn’t feel like being touched, let alone getting naked or anything close to that.

L put on a brave face, and I ignored the subject of sex entirely. I didn’t want to talk about it. I know communication is key and all that bullshit, but until tough things happen in your relationship, you don’t realize how hard communication can actually be.

We were newlyweds…let me repeat that, we were newlyweds…and our sex lives had never been so dull. We basically lived like robots. It was pathetic.

But then this funny thing happened. I started to feel better physically and emotionally, and we became committed to the process of making a baby. In the beginning, it wasn’t easy. I was still uncomfortable with my body, and we had lost that level of sexual intimacy that we had honed through years of being together.

Nothing is more awkward (and might I add, depressing) than not feeling in sync with your husband.

Yet we kept working at it. During ovulation time, even if either of us was feeling like shit, we “took one for the team.” The possibility and excitement of a baby brought that spark back and more. Lately, I have never felt closer or more in love with my husband.

I’m not advocating that everyone who feels sexually frustrated in their marriage go out and try to make a baby. No, please don’t do that. Yet sometimes we run across relationship hurdles that take a toll on our sex lives. It’s inevitable. Sometimes you lose your mojo, and it takes work to get it back. In retrospect, I really think I was in a state of perpetual avoidance. Even when things were at their worst, I somehow believed I was above admitting that we would need to work to get things back to normal. Big mistake. In marriage, you are never really above anything anymore. It is the END of cool 😉

Another important lesson I learned is that as detestable as I used to think scheduling sexy time was, I am now a huge proponent of it. Spontaneity is nice, but not always realistic. As adults, we often lead very busy lives. If you need to schedule sex, do it! There is no shame in that. Actually you might be surprised at how many times scheduled sex paves the way for fun, spontaneous sex. The more you have it, the more you want it.

While it doesn’t erase the disappointment of a “not pregnant” test result (btw, I hate those digital pregnancy tests. Not Pregnant? Fuck you! I’d rather putter around imagining I’m seeing another pink line and lying to myself for awhile) or a streak of blood on the toilet paper, it makes me feel good that L and I have reclaimed our mojo.