As a newlywed, everyone asks you, “How does it feel? Do you feel different?” My response is usually, “Not much has changed”. Mr. G and I lived together before marriage. We pay bills in the same manner that we always have. We’re a unit. But when a friend told me a story the other day, my thought process made me realize that maybe I am different.
One of my friend’s coworkers, an ambitious, single woman, is having an affair with a boss at their company. They’d been flirting and carrying on for quite some time, and then a fellow coworker saw them out at a bar one night being more than friendly with one another. Now the whole office knows and talks about it at the water cooler. Oh, and did I forget to mention, the boss is married with small children?
I have never been accepting of the idea of cheating. But, in my younger years, I wasn’t super judgmental about it either. When a girlfriend of mine was fooling around with a married man in college, I didn’t approve. But, on the other hand, I didn’t necessarily throw a fit and break off our friendship, either. I thought that I shouldn’t be judgmental of her and her relationship. People were often unhappy in their marriages. Maybe my friend and her married companion really were meant to be? It was a stretch, but, at the time, I gave her the benefit of the doubt.
However, now that I am married, I’m on the other side of that fence. No longer could I be “the other woman”. I’d be “the wife”. And, in many ways, that changes the whole playing field for me. It reminds me of something my wise mom has told me time and again, “’You won’t fully understand until you’ve lived it.”
I’m a wife now; not a girlfriend, not even a fiancé. I’m a wife. I don’t quite know or understand the scope of that word yet, as I’m new to this game. But I am already finding myself more serious, more judgmental, and very emotional about the subject of betrayal amongst married couples.
If you think about it, infidelity is all around us. It’s eyeing us on the cover of the latest gossip magazine at the supermarket. It’s lurking between the desks in our offices and schools. It’s talked about and even laughed about by acquaintances and coworkers. And, sadly, it creeps in and breaks the hearts of our dearest friends and family members.
It’s not that the oversaturation of infidelity in today’s culture makes me distrust Mr. G. But, it has made me feel a kinship with the wives in these sad situations. I feel like I’ve joined a club of some sort, a sorority of married women, who can know and understand where I am coming from without me needing to say a word. Our hearts break silently for one another, because we can only imagine what that woman must be going through.
Maybe this makes me a throwback to a 1950’s housewife. Or maybe it just makes me officially “married” in my mind and in my heart. I’m not sure. How do you view infidelity in today’s culture? Have your thoughts on it changed since you’ve been engaged or married?
-J.Darling
I have to applaud your candor in this blog. It's your best yet.
As an exwife, whose marriage was destroyed by adultry, I understand exactly what you're saying. I've put it this way…
The world today IS against traditional families. They are AGAINST couples marrying and staying together forever. It seems an outrageous ideal now-adays.
Marriage is the last bastion of "honor" in our society. What you feel, the outrage and sorrow that is, is a new understanding of what shattered honor is.
Let's face it. People aren't raised to be accountable to their commitments or actions anymore. It's always someone else's fault. Adultry is no different. "I wasn't happy, and this other person could give me what my wife/husband couldn't." Give me a break. You made a commitment. It's for life. If you're not happy, it's up to you to do EVERYTHING HUMANLY POSSIBLE to make it work. That's WHY we say vows in front of family and friends. Traditionally, they are supporting the marriage – not just coming for a good party.
It's great to read about your evolution into wifelyhood!
Keep blogging!
Krista
I thnk part of your change in attitude may be part of a change in maturity. When your gf fooled around with a married man in college, you didn't care because you were younger and you probably didn't realize the extent of what that married man was doing. Now that you're older (and married), you understand the implications.
Would you have still been unconcerned about an affair a year ago? I doubt it. I think you'd have been just as offended as you are now. You might not have felt as personalized in the offense, but I think you'd still have disapproved. You're now extra offended because you are married, but I think you still would have disagreed had you learned of your friend's coworker & boss's affair a year or two ago.
Just my two cents.
Kiana
When I hear about fiances or spouses cheating and having affairs now, it is VERY different than how I viewed these situations years ago. I envision myself in the situation and it's truly unfathomable for me. I just cannot comprehend how someone could do that if they're in a committed relationship, much less a marriage. It's not just the men, though…I just heard last night about my husband's best friend's boss who found out his wife cheated on him. She not only cheated, it was a full blown affair. And she didn't do much to try to cover her tracks either (over 700 minutes on the phone bill with the other guys' number – that's how he confirmed his suspicions). Apparently he's in shambles and only staying with her right now because they have 3 small children. I just felt so hopeless for him and saddened – a more overwhelming feeling than I ever had before being a fiance or wife. While it's stereotypically the man who runs off for a weekend fling or an office affair, women have the unfortunate capability of being the one to commit the crime as well. 🙁
gangsta bride
This is a really wonderful post.
To me, it is not the ring that determines the gravity of cheating; it is the type of relationship. Perhaps you feel worse about cheating because you are in a more committed relationship than you were in your younger years. Would you feel worse if your husband cheated on you now rather than before you were married? I think it would hurt just as bad in either situation, because the relationship is the same.
That being said, when marriage is involved, infidelity becomes much more serious. It not only devastates the wife/husband, but kids and family as well.
You are absolutely right that infidelity is everywhere in our society. I feel like it makes it more tolerable to younger generations who have had more exposure to it. Our media exposure leaves the cheated feeling worse than the cheater, as if it was the cheated's fault.