Life has been really weird since we found out the IUI didn’t work. I don’t know. I’m just so over this shit. Thinking about it makes me angry and bitter, and I don’t want to walk around pissed off every day of my life. So, I’m avoiding it all together.

I haven’t been on Twitter, because I don’t want to talk about infertility, and frankly I don’t want to read all the pregnancy and baby news either, so I’ve cut it off for awhile. I pop on every now and then, but mostly I’m doing my own thing.

L and I have been having good days, and other days it’s a real challenge. I feel vulnerable after this latest infertility failure, and my instinct is to just push away. I was really gung ho for a few days and found myself hastily looking over IVF statistics, protocols, and any bit of information I could get my hands on. Then I got moody, and needed to just put it away. It certainly didn’t help to call my doctor’s office and find out he’s out of the country for the next month. Are you fucking kidding me?

Moody. Let me elaborate on that. I have been incredibly moody. I guess others have been noticing. I was having a conversation with someone I am really close to, and we started arguing about something (I seriously can’t remember what it was) And she said, “How does L put up with you sometimes?” She didn’t mean it as horribly as it came out, but her comment cut deep. I haven’t wanted to deal with how much I have let infertility affect every ounce of my being. It has affected my marriage, my friendships (not many of those left), and even my demeanor and personality. It has slowly taken a lot away from me, and I don’t enjoy life like I used to. This makes me upset and I don’t know whether to cry or scream. I don’t really know how to handle this phase of my life. The only things I can do are forgive myself and try to move forward, but it’s hard. I feel like the life I once lived and the life I once dreamed of are simultaneously slipping away from me, and if I wait long enough, both will be gone forever.

The funny thing is that even if I did get pregnant, I don’t think all of these problems would instantly turn to peaches. But when you’re infertile, you imagine it will. That is a lot of pressure to put on one little baby: solver of everything that is wrong. I definitely have some shit to work out. I definitely have some shit I need to think about. Yes, shit needs to be worked out and thought about.

In better news, I have new work opportunities that hopefully can keep me busy for awhile. I’m grateful for that. I need to distract myself from everything that makes me into a grumpy bitch. It’s just not a good look for me, or for anyone actually.

thelessthandomesticgoddess

14 Comments

  1. Reply

    @EndoJourney

    February 28, 2012

    I think everything you're feeling makes so much sense and each of us have gone through it at some point. You are completely not alone in how you feel. I wish this was all easier but I'm so glad you're taking care of yourself and doing what you need to feel happier, healthier and stronger. That is the most important out of everything! Lots of love to you both.

  2. Reply

    EndoJoanna

    February 28, 2012

    I was just thinking about you and wondering how you were doing. I am very sorry about the failed IUI. There are no words for that kind of disappointment. I also can understand your anger and hostility. I feel that way more than I do the sadness. I would say do whatever you need to do that makes it better for you, whether that is get off all online communities or other things. In the end, your health and happiness are all that matter. Take care of yourself friend and know that when/if you ever do feel like talking about all of this, there are several ladies here for you. xx

  3. Reply

    -J.Darling

    February 28, 2012

    So great to hear that you're discovering that maybe you have some work to do on you. You're right – that's A LOT of pressure to put on a little person. (Just imagine being that little person! Whew! I get tired just thinking about it!) I'm proud of you for seeing that you've got some tweaking to do. What do you have that's unique that you can offer the world? Your perspective? Your friendship? Surely there is something that's uniquely you that the world is missing out on. Those things don't change because your circumstances in life change. Grab a good therapist and see what there is that you can put out there! Moarning changes in life, and pulling away a bit to lick our wounds, is natural. I'm sure L has some wounds too. You really can lean on each other – and good friends who love you for YOU and don't change their value of you based on your fertility status. Taking a break from the fertility talk sounds like a good idea.

    It's hard knowing that dreams change. But there is one great thing about dreams… there are always more out there to dream. Sometimes the ones you didn't expect are the greatest adventures of them all.

  4. Reply

    shutterbugwife

    February 28, 2012

    God, I'm so there. I was reading some Resolve resources and they say that women struggling with infertility are basically in mourning for years. It's so hard because you keep getting this glimmer of hope only to have it smashed by stupid AF. It just prolongs the mourning stage because you can't move on.

    I have noticed how much it's effecting all areas of my life too. There are so many days where I just sit in my office and don't want to talk to anyone.

    My husband is the eternal optimist and he just never really gets upset. Sure, after the first IUI he was disappointed for a few hours, but not completely depressed like I was. I think since he can move on so fast, he doesn't quite understand why it's so hard for me. It's so nice to have someone so strong and positive but sometimes I feel alone in my grief.

    I have no words of advice for you seeing as I am struggling too. I am here for you though. Always. <3 you!

  5. Reply

    Anonymous

    February 29, 2012

    I followed you on wedding while I was planning my wedding, and I stumbled onto your bloc this Adeline. I am going through fertility treatment as well, I feel like I was ment to find you again. As strange as it is to me, I feel like I know you. Thank you for putting your struggle out there, I have no words of comfort but I can say I know EXACTLY what you are going through…

  6. Reply

    Chanel

    February 29, 2012

    I just want to give you a hug….but I can't so I'll send it here. πŸ™‚ xo

  7. Reply

    Trying It On For Size

    February 29, 2012

    Oh, I hate that you're feeling so bad. My very good friend went through the same thing for two very long years.
    But don't give up.
    My friend's blog is runninglawyer.blogspot.com
    She's pretty fabulous and totally honest about her pregnancy issues (but she blogs about other things too πŸ™‚

  8. Reply

    Brandi

    February 29, 2012

    Carly I am so so sorry for everything you are feeling and going through right now. You and L have been through soooooo many ups and downs. And I imagine it must be incredibly difficult when others are having babies around you. You're a strong woman- and a good woman. No matter what's going on with your body- just remember those two things. I'll keep praying for you girl. Lots of love

  9. Reply

    Amy

    February 29, 2012

    Hi Carly,

    I just wanted to tell you that I'm so very sorry for everything that you have gone through. And listen…I know it's not the same–I KNOW it's not the same–but I want do want you to know that you have friends left. We're not there in person, but you do have a lot of wonderful readers who will support you during tough times. I know it's not the same as those real life friendships, but I just wanted to tell you that.

    I'm so sorry and even though it sounds so contrite, I am really praying hard for you during this tough time.

    Take care,
    Amy

  10. Reply

    BigAppleNosh

    March 5, 2012

    Carly, I am just catching up on everything now, and I just wanted to say I'm so sorry and you're in my thoughts ((hugs)).

  11. Reply

    Annie

    March 7, 2012

    Carly, I can't believe it's taken me this long to find your blog. I just want to say that I totally get how you feel. We've been trying since 2010 and it's entirely frustrating and you're allowed to be MOODY. I know I was. If you ever need to vent, talk or anything at all please email me/gchat anything. ok? XO

  12. Reply

    Annie

    March 7, 2012

    I also wanted to say that I understand the pains of infertility and TTC. I know you had to go through so much w/your health and still are going through it and wanted to say that I understand the pain. πŸ™ *HUGS* xoxox

  13. Reply

    sillie smile

    March 17, 2012

    i'm so glad you just say it like it is. and wow, i'm impressed with your self awareness- because so many others don't have a clue.

    sending you positive thoughts, and some extra strength to plug away πŸ™‚

  14. Reply

    AmyJean {Relentless Bride / Fry, The Baby}

    March 28, 2012

    Your honesty is inspiring. Your strength is beyond words. I wont say I understand what you are going through but I will honestly say, you have handled it with much more grace and class than I could have! I am thinking of you and agree with the comments above – you do what you gotta do!! Your health and happiness are the utmost importance!

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