Last night I lifted the veil off a secret. It is one of my insecurities. Something I have kept from L for years. I don’t know why I chose yesterday to say it, or rather blurt it out. I don’t know why I picked a fight before and after its unveiling. We were meeting people for dinner in forty five minutes, and he was driving home from work. We were texting back and forth, and yet I still chose this completely inopportune time to tell him, via text, what has bothered me for so long.
I misinterpreted a conversation we had about seven years ago. Even though seven years had passed, I could remember every single detail. I was driving his black 4Runner. We were returning from a day trip to San Juan Capistrano. I even remember what I was wearing: a white top and a yellow peasant skirt. His off-handed joke about something I am super insecure about really hurt my feelings, but I never told him. I carried the confusion and hurt of that day with me all of these years. I still don’t know why I stayed silent for so long, but unexpectedly, I was finally ready to let it go.
I’m not going to share the details of my insecurity. And, no, I wasn’t once a man or anything. 😉 But I think the point of talking about this isn’t so much “What is the secret?” it’s “What can insecurity do to you? What can secrets do to you? ” They eat away at you, and can ultimately destroy lives, relationships, self-esteem, self-worth. It can transform you into a hollow shell of a person. Terrible insecurity can become a black hole of isolation and sadness
Yesterday, I re-visited that conversation from seven years ago. We talked it through. I cried. He told me how sorry he was that I was so hurt all those years ago. He had no idea about this secret of mine. He was rather quiet and introspective, not having any clue how torn up this made me.
After our conversation, I felt powerful. I felt like a weight had been lifted. I turned the spotlight on my pain, and my insecurity, and in doing so, I released it. I released myself from its grip. I forgave myself. It doesn’t mean it will ever completely go away, but I can change the way it makes me feel. I can change how I feel about myself. This all became crystal clear to me when I was ready to finally be honest with myself. I was finally ready to be honest with L.