I had surgery. I recovered. I turned 30. It’s now the end of May. Life has been moving at the speed of light.
Since April, I have been working on getting myself back in shape, physically and mentally. I desperately missed the roundness of my ass that disappeared sometime in late 2009. I also begrudgingly welcomed a few new friends named back fat, thigh pudge, and stomach goo. I had become increasingly unhappy with my outward appearance since our wedding, but funnily enough, I didn’t realize the extent of my dissatisfaction. I think it’s because my health got so bad that I no longer gave a shit how I looked. Depressed much?
It’s funny how depression sneaks up on you. People make light of depression a lot. “OMG, I’m so depressed!” If you are in a position to declare to the world how depressed you are, maybe you’re not that depressed. In retrospect, I was suffering from depression (and anxiety). I felt so awful physically that it really started to affect me mentally. This didn’t happen over the course of a day or two. It happened over the course of several months. Maybe more than a year? I’m still dealing with the anxiety stuff. But, I digress.
I’m doing better these days.
I really am. I practice yoga two to three times a week. I speed walk/jog two to three times a week. I’m working on being able to run a full mile, and do fifty push-ups. I get up early and walk shelter dogs twice a week before starting my day. (More on that later. I love those little pups SO much!) I’m eating better, and I’m taking good care of myself.
My perspectives on the world, my life, my relationships, my career, and so on have definitely changed. I am more positive and hopeful. I am better able to manage my anxiety (most of the time). I am learning to be proud of myself for making changes. They haven’t come easily. But I’m awkward, and it’s hard for me to be proud of myself EVER. Anyone else super hard on themselves? Ugh, low self-esteem is so unattractive.
Anyway, allow me to change the subject.
L and I finally had a really important conversation about children. We discussed the possibility of not having them. Yeesh. It’s intense over here at Casa de Less than Domestic.
While not the most comfortable talk to have, it forced us to face questions we have been avoiding for years now. Could we live a fulfilling life together without kids? At the end of the day, are we enough? I’ll skip over the details, and just say that our conclusion was that we think we can live our lives without them. A childless existence, while scary and sad for us to imagine, is possible.
I say “we think” because I can never make any definitive conclusions about the subject of children. We don’t know how either of us will feel in one, five, or fifteen years. It’s all unknown. There are also a ton of other variables like adoption, advanced fertility treatments, fostering, etc. that are all conversations for another time. But, the here and now tells us that we are on the same page when it comes to this one thing. It was one of the most honest and eye-opening experiences I have ever had with L in our nearly eight years together. It is a conversation I will always remember and keep close to me. Listening to my husband reference our life together with so much respect and admiration made me see him through fresh eyes. It reminded me of why we fell in love, and why we married each other. We are each other’s safe haven. Whether we have children or not, he has my back, and I have his.
So that’s where I’m at right now. And now I’m tearing up while re-reading this. Ok, I better go.
If you are married without kids and want them, have you had the “what if there are no kids” conversation?