Bouncing back from the state of anxiety-ridden hell I was in has been quite a learning experience. It hasn’t been all happy and pleasurable, but it has reminded me that existing and living are two different states of being. Sitting around feeling bad about everything IS NOT A LIFE. It is more like depression. Crying in my stew because I haven’t achieved all the things that I want to achieve was not motivating me. It was defeating me.
I am working on changing my attitude about…everything. As you can imagine, this is a monstrous task.
Over the past few weeks, I have been trying to remember what my life was like before it was eaten up by anxiety. I remembered that it used to feel good to be alive. I really wanted to recapture that feeling.
So what does one do when they wish to feel alive again?
Why, gay clubbing, of course.
This past weekend, L and I gathered in West Hollywood with some friends to celebrate the birthday of a close buddy. Somehow in my twenty plus years of living ten minutes from the gay capital of the world, I managed to never really explore the nightlife. Go figure.
I couldn’t think of a good excuse not to go out and take a chance. After all, my new mantra was to “recapture living”, so I went with it. My only regret is that I dressed too conservatively. I felt like a schoolmarm amongst a sea of rock stars. But other than that, I let go of my over-thinking, worrying, and any judgments. I existed simply to have a good time.
Let me just say this. Gay clubs host the best parties around. There really is no other way to describe it.
And while I watched our friend take a celebratory shot of mystery juice out of the cleavage of a perky Go Go dancer wearing fishnets, a leopard print bra, and a thong…
I felt alive, and it was great.
Do you ever feel like you are just existing? Shaking up your life every once and awhile can do wonders for the soul. At least, this is what I’m learning (again).