L and I had a huge blow out the other day about dirty dishes and cleaning. It went on for a couple of days. Oh man, it got ugly.
It wasn’t really about the dishes. Tension and frustration had been building up since before Thanksgiving, and it all came flowing out. I was pulling things out of the sky – I hated him for this, that, and everything. And he didn’t have such nice things to say about me, either. At one point, we could both only agree on the fact that this marriage was a huge mistake. A statement that we both promptly took back. But still, it was put out there.
The thing is that somewhere in the mix L and I have become good at being that “perfect couple” to everyone else but ourselves. We have spent so much time pretending that everything works on the outside that we’ve sometimes ignored our need to explore the underbelly of this relationship; the difficult and not-so-great things. Rather than helping each other to confront and understand our shortcomings we’ve gotten good at knocking each other down for them. Communication anyone?
I admire L for his strengths. He admires me for my strengths. The weaknesses are always there, but have been cleverly masked behind clouds of denial and the false belief that things will just work themselves out. Is it wrong to say that I didn’t marry my husband for his weaknesses? I’m sure he didn’t marry me for mine, either. But they come with the territory. Only now are we truly starting to examine what makes us human, and what makes us tick. It’s an exploration that, at times, is significantly less fun and entertaining than other journeys we’ve taken. It can be dark. But whether we’ve been married for six months or sixty years, that’s not the point. This is a process that I hope will bring us to both significant and unexpected places; the most important of those places being the truth. It may not all be pretty, but it’s real.
Our relationship has changed a lot throughout the years. It is a product of seven years of blood, sweat, and tears. And it’s not getting any easier. Now we are married, and it marks a new beginning of this learning process. There is so much at stake, and I feel like it means more now then it ever did.
Before making babies and planning for houses with white picket fences, we have to face us. We will probably always fight about the dirty dishes, but it’s the other bigger things that we need to get right. That much I know for sure.
Christine
We fight about the dishes too usually when there is something more important to talk about! 🙂 You're not the only one out there don't worry you guys will make it!
Sugar
Ha, we had they same type of fight last week. I think we are still recovering from it, but the good news- we are recovering from it- which means we're making through. Man, the 6 month mark is rough. If we can do it- so can you!!
Anonymous
I have also been together with my husband for about 7 years and am newly married (we just passed the 2 month mark). It definitly can be difficult at times and little insignificant annoyances turn into huge blow outs. But in the end, we give each other some time/space, chill out, and then eventually find it hard to stay mad because of love. Hang in there!..and know that you're definitely not the only ones going through these tough times. It sucks when it's tough but just know that it's only hard now, and it'll always get better.
Jessebel
The newlywed myth is mostly BS. The first year is usually the hardest. Arguments are a healthy aspect of relationships and yes, sometimes you will say things that you will regret. Haven't we all? It could be so much worse. (See Tiger.)
Krista
Wade and I had a big fight about a month ago. So it happens. But it's not that you fight that is a big thing – it's about fighting fairly. That means you need to learn to NOT hurl insults or yelling things you'll regret (as happened when you said you regreted the marriage). It also means no excessive insults (you're pig-headed or you're so frustrating is a lot better than cursing or hurtful insults).
For Wade and me, it took us a long time to learn to fight fairly. But when we fight, we generally avoid insults (although not always) and regret-inducing statements.
Have you considered counselling? Just to learn to communicate better (to avoid fights) and to learn to fight fairly.
Creature Gorgeous
We just had a big fight tonight. You're not alone in this feeling. And I agree with everyone above, the newlywed bliss myth is indeed mostly myth. I think we all are learning to get along with each other in this new state of identity. Hang in there. I'll think of you as I do the same!
nina
Sometimes being a newlywed is blissful…but, getting adjusted to married life is hard work. I call it "my other job" lol!
Adrienne
I love that you were so open and honest. We spend so much time talking about the "pretty" things in life and try to ignore the not so pretty ones, but it's good to bring them up from time to time to let us know we aren't the only one with struggles. 🙂
My Dream Ring
I am not married yet but I have been with FH for 11 years and it is definitely not what it used to be. You really honestly do have to learn about each others weakenesses and strengths and what pisses who off and I try to avoid conversations or try to avoid things that may make him mad and I think he has learned to do the same for me. we have fights but we scream it out and then hug, lol! We never go to bed mad at each other.Its hard because I want to hold onto my anger but I usually let it go.
I like that you guys are point blank and honest with each other, I think thats the only way that you will be able to move forward in life and learn from and about one another. Other arguments will come with being a parent or with owning a house because people parent differently and like to keep things a certain way but you guys will learn how to come to a conclusion and life will go on. {{HUGS}}
Wifey Wiferson
This was such great honest post. I think it's important to discuss the parts of marriage that aren't all sparkley and happy.
thelessthandomesticgoddess
Thank you so much everyone for all of your comments and support! Marriage and relationships can be hard. People don't always talk about it – especially when you are a newlywed!! I'm glad that I'm not alone in this. THANK YOU 🙂
sally
we just got married in march and hubby and i fight every so often about stuff like that–thank you for your honesty in your post… it isn't easy but one thing i always keep in mind– you guys are in it TOGETHER…. did you ever read the book that the bees were reading– The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. I found this to be extremely helpful.