Over the weekend, it became pretty obvious that my two week wait was over. It seemed rather early to call this cycle a failure, but I told you guys I never take pregnancy tests. My body beats me to it. I saved a few bucks on a test and I got the consolation prize of early spotting instead. Thanks, body.
My initial reaction? Well. Duh. No surprises here.
I honestly don’t know what to make of yet another busted cycle. It feels as normal as breathing at this point. But still a little sad because there is always that little sliver of your heart that you want to leave open to…the possibility. The possibility that maybe just once you’ll be wrong about yourself. L didn’t have much of a reaction which sort of offended me. I think he felt bad for me and expressed that we are only just starting this process again. But, I don’t think he put much stock into this cycle, and, again, that didn’t feel great. I felt alone in my disappointment and sort of foolish for thinking that the end result would be anything but negative.
But, I’m moving on.
I have no other choice. I go about my days like nothing is wrong or different or off. I feel lucky to have this blog, because if I didn’t write these feelings down, I doubt they would be processed at all. Whether we ever get pregnant again or not, I still want an account of how it all went down.
My intentions for this week going forward are to stay hopeful, honest, and humble. I am very grateful for everything and everyone in my life right now and I really have very little to complain about. I say “very little”, because complaining is just part of who I am. 😉
For now, I am just floating and watching this little girl grow up too quickly.