Lately, I have been finding it hard to move forward. I feel like I can’t get over IVF. I feel like I can’t move past infertility. I feel like the rest of my life hangs in the balance while I try valiantly to pretend like everything is okay. Some days are definitely better than others. It’s not all bad. I want to re-iterate that. It isn’t ALL bad. I just want to get back to living a full life rather than always feeling like something is missing or off or not right.

I don’t want to be that bitter woman. I don’t want to be that sad woman. I never wanted to be that woman who is defined by her reproductive capabilities. But, if some days I am bitter, sad, or defined by my infertility, then so be it. I need to forgive myself for that and stop suppressing my emotions. Having a tantrum about the unfairness of life may not be completely rational, but sometimes life is irrational. Our emotions don’t always fit into a neat little gift box. And I am (very, very) slowly learning that, because I am the queen of emotional suppression. As I pointed out in my last post, I talk up a storm about emotions on this blog, but this isn’t the real life me. The real life me is sitting in my doctor’s exam room putting on a jolly face to the point that even my doctor puts his hand on my shoulder and says, “Carly, sometimes I worry about you.” To which I reply, “Oh no, you shouldn’t worry!” Yeah, that happened. Why I was worried about upsetting my fertility doctor who sees plenty of not so jolly women per day is beyond me.

I feel like part of this process involves fully recognizing that IVF #1 failed. As strange as it may sound, I have not done that. I have not grieved. I have spent too much time looking ahead, trying to configure back up plans, and reaching for band aids to cover it all up. It’s exhausting to try and fake what you are really feeling. When you are pretending to be happy, but actually aren’t, it makes you feel hollow and empty inside. That emptiness is perhaps one of the loneliest feelings. I think I am doing everyone around me a favor by shielding my sadness, but actually, I know I am doing nothing but shortchanging myself. I really want to move forward. I think part of that process is letting my mind grieve. Actually, I know I need to do this.

Recently, L and I had a very deep discussion about a future option for our family. I was elated that we were both on the same page with the possibility of this exciting opportunity. However, I still recognize that I need to grieve for myself and IVF first. I told L that he needs to, too. He has been just as guarded and painfully stoic as well. On the outside we put on these brave faces, but behind that facade, it would take a pin prick to make us crumble.

Anyone else have some trouble with recognizing and being in sync with your emotional side? I am open to suggestions/stories/anything on how to work on this.

 

August 31, 2012

thelessthandomesticgoddess

8 Comments

  1. Reply

    Jodi

    September 5, 2012

    I feel so sad that you have to go through this. I've worked with so many couples who have been where you are at and I know from them how hard it is. It just isn't fair! I am not sure where you are in your process so this is not trying to pressure or anything but if you ever want to talk about adoption I would be happy to answer any questions you might have. I worked in it for over 5 years and have a special place in my heart for it. But by all means you should do as many IVF cycles as you may want to do or even consider egg donation or a carrier. There are options and I hope that something will work to make you a mom. I think it is great that you share so openly on your blog and I'm sure it is helping someone!

  2. Reply

    -J.Darling

    September 5, 2012

    My Sailor is having trouble really internalizing that families don't always come in neat little "get married- have babies" packages. Despite being around adopted people his entire life, marrying one, and moving into adoption ourselves, he still struggles with it. And that actually makes me struggle. It's not so much greiving that my body just doesn't do what it naturally should do, but it's more knowing I'm letting him down. Some days I really feel like we're in this together, but just as many days, I feel like I'm the one pushing for adoption and he's the one being let down because my body won't cooperate with his expectations/hopes.

    Like you said, some days are easy and some days are hard. Having an outlet is so very important.

    I'm really hoping that we can make some time to get into some counseling and really work through some of these feelings. He NEEDS an outlet to be angry, sad, etc, and directing those feelings at me just doesn't help. I also feel that he needs to see how much it pains me to know I'm letting him down.

    And I have a chance to participate in a study that could really help women dealing w/ endo pain, but I'm reluctant mostly because it means a year and 1/2 of using 2 forms of birth control (as if my body alone isn't enough birth control in and of itself).

    But I also know that there IS a light at the end of the tunnel for us. I recently read several survyes about adoptive parents who dealt with infertility. After adopting 100% of them don't feel that they "missed out" on not having a biological kid. Their hearts are so full that there isn't room for that kind of desire, so I'm hoping that My Sailor will feel the same way eventually.

    Please feel free to emial me or chat on facebook anytime. We're here for each other!

  3. Reply

    honey my heart

    September 6, 2012

    i think it all takes time and it's okay to take all of the time you need in grieving. i can't imagine what you're going through, but hope that you make it through this super tough and intense time.

  4. Reply

    Colleen C

    September 6, 2012

    Carly, keep writing, even if it's just writing private notes to yourself to let yourself get it all out. I find that typing/writing things out and sharing them is very cathartic. Send emails to L. Back and forth. Sometimes its easier to write things down rather then talk about them. I will continue to think of you through all of this.

  5. Reply

    thelessthandomesticgoddess

    September 6, 2012

    @Jodi: Thank you so much, Jodi! I had no idea you used to work in adoption. I may have some questions for you in the future. πŸ™‚

    @J. Darling: Your thoughts/feelings on this mean a lot to me. We are definitely dealing with some similar issues, and, at times, it really isn't easy. I am finally looking into therapy. It has taken me years to get to this point, but I know I need some help and someone to talk to about some of the heavier emotional issues. That is very encouraging to hear about the surveys from adoptive parents!! I really hope you and your Sailor find a way to get on the same page, and work together toward building your family. I know you guys have a lot of love to give and will make wonderful parents. Take good care of yourselves.

  6. Reply

    Jamie

    September 6, 2012

    I'm struggling my my emotions right now as well. IFV is not an option finacially for my husband and I right now. I also feel like I need to be strong, and like everything is ok so I don't upset anyone else around me. However I'm dying on the inside…

    Thank you for sharing your story. I look foward to reading your posts, I feel like I am relating to you better than most of my 'real life friends.' You are helping me get through this tough time in my life.

  7. Reply

    Alycia Asai

    September 7, 2012

    My heart always breaks when I read these posts of yours. You are such an amazing, strong, beautiful woman and I want so much for you to have that happiness.
    I also keep the emotions in check. I find myself sometimes all over the place in my mind but on the outside I will act like nothing is wrong. I think it's because I like to process what I am feeling first before I try to talk about it. And I hate talking about feelings and emotions. I always want to have the problem solved and sometimes that just cant happen. It is something I struggle with all the time- I wish I had some advice.
    **Sending you lots of hugs**

  8. Reply

    thelessthandomesticgoddess

    September 9, 2012

    @Jamie: Thank you so much for your comment. Your words and story really touched me. Thinking of you and your husband. I likely won't be writing much more about IVF on the blog, but I will continue to post about infertility and our related struggles. Feel free to email me at any time. Take care of yourself!

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