FLASHBACK: I wrote this post without the knowledge of if this cycle worked or not. I wanted to get all of my thoughts down while everything was happening rather than in retrospect where my position might be colored by a positive or negative pregnancy test.

I am now five days past our transfer date. I really hate to say this, but everything in my mind and body tells me that it is very unlikely that this worked. I have zero symptoms other than what I assume are side effects from all of the hormones I am taking. But I’m not bloated. I have not felt any credible cramping. Nothing. I am not sleeping more. In fact, I got terrible sleep last night.

A few days ago, we got our last fertility report. The embryologist let us know that out of the 15 mature fertilized eggs that seemed to be doing quite well on Day 3…none were suitable for freeze. NONE. L and I were gutted, to say the least. Does this mean I have bad eggs? Shit. Then we found out that the two good blasts that we transferred were not so wonderful after all. They got a rating of 3.5 out of a possible 5. Something about a cluster of cells that wasn’t exactly where it needed to be. So, our fantastic cycle that we were sure had at least a 60% chance of working…in actuality, we have about a 42% chance, according to the embryologist. L was relaying all of this information to me, because he was the one who spoke with the doctor on the phone. Poor guy then had to let me know all of this news while on a work break, and I sat frantic on the other end of the line.

I just knew this process was going to let us down at some point. Everything was moving along too smoothly. It sounds horrible for me to say that, but it’s how I feel.

I started retracing all of the events of transfer day. Our doctor seemed happy, almost giddy. I thought it was because he was pleased with the results of our cycle. Now I think it was because he was set to go on vacation later that day, and was probably looking forward to that. I think about how he kept saying everything looked “good”. In the academic world, good = B; excellent or perfect = A. In my valium induced haze, I somehow mistook good to mean A quality. Stupid me. Good has never sounded like a shittier way to say, “not great.” I guess one of us should have asked him what “good” meant. We should have inquired about the grading of our two little blasts. But, we didn’t. We were naive, and just so happy that we had made it to transfer day.

Now five days removed, I feel so distanced from this process. I’ve been so upset ever since hearing 42% chance, B quality blasts, and zero frozen embies. I guess I feel like a failure all over again. The frozen embies were supposed to be our insurance policy against feeling TOO awful if this cycle fails. I had it all planned in my mind that even if this didn’t work the first time, we would have at least one or two attempts with some frozens.

Now it’s like a free fall. A negative pregnancy test will put us all the way back to day 1. Not Day 1 of this cycle, but the Day 1 when L and I first looked at each other and said, “Let’s try for a baby.” On that day three years ago, we could have never fathomed what that decision would do to us; how it would transform us. We could have never imagined that the hill we might have to climb to get pregnant was actually a mountain with an army of guards at its gates shooting arrows at us telling us we don’t have what it takes to make it to the top.

We just had no idea.

So if this cycle fails, we are back to Day 1. But, a day 1 where we are 3 years older. A lot poorer. A lot sadder. And a lot less hopeful.

This is what infertility does to people. It dangles the carrot of success in their faces, and then rips their fucking hearts out. Why? Well, for no better reason than because it can.

A few days after I wrote this post, I took the first of two First Response Pregnancy tests. Both were negative. My gut feeling was correct. I was not pregnant. 

August 31, 2012

thelessthandomesticgoddess

13 Comments

  1. Reply

    Sunny

    August 28, 2012

    I am so sorry. I wish there was anything that I could say to make it better but truth is there isn't, Hang in there. πŸ™

  2. Reply

    Stephanie Hain Torres

    August 28, 2012

    I'm not always sure what to say – but I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and following along. I appreciate you sharing your journey with us and I'm hoping for your happily ever after – sooner rather than later!

  3. Reply

    Marissa

    August 28, 2012

    Carly, I've been quietly following along on your journey for some time. I don't really know what to say, except that my heart hurts for you. You've been and will continue to be in my thoughts + prayers.

  4. Reply

    Kendall

    August 28, 2012

    I have been following your journey as well and my heart goes out to you. I know there is nothing I can do but I will continue to keep you in my thoughts and Hope for a positive outcome. Hang in there hon

  5. Reply

    Vanessa

    August 28, 2012

    I wish I had words to help but I know that there are no such words. So please know I am continuing to pray and send thoughts your way. <3

  6. Reply

    Sugar

    August 28, 2012

    Oh gorgeous lady, I am thinking of you. And giving you a HUGE hug.

  7. Reply

    Christina

    August 29, 2012

    I wish I knew what to say but all I can offer is that I am in awe of your bravery to write about the emotions that follow this process.

  8. Reply

    Nancie

    August 29, 2012

    I know it's not easy to share your journey publicly, but we're all rootin for you and L. Keeping you in my thoughts, always.

  9. Reply

    honey my heart

    August 29, 2012

    your journey is so bumpy, but it will be worth it. sending you hugs and prayers.

  10. Reply

    -J.Darling

    August 30, 2012

    I think sometimes it's true what they say – that we women have a 6th sense about such things. An instinct so to speak. My periods aren't regular and my hormones are so wonky, that I'll get bloated, or other early symptoms. So my guy will get all excited, but I have to remind him it's probably nothing. And according to the pregnancy tests, it continues to be just that – nothing.

    Thank you for being so open about your journey.

    PS – our announcement is about adoption FINALLY.

  11. Reply

    Colleen C

    August 30, 2012

    You have such a beautiful voice, you're documenting the journey is so important. I wish there was more I could say but I'm sorry and I'm thinking and hoping for you all the time.

  12. Reply

    Amanda @ The Fix-Its

    September 4, 2012

    Carly – I am so saddened and disappointed for you. I have certainly been in your shoes for parts of this journey, and I was so optimistic to hear you were moving forward with IVF. The cost, emotional and financial is just unbelievable, especially when the outcome leaves you empty handed. I'm thinking of you, as none of this is easy.

  13. Reply

    J'aime Weir

    February 28, 2013

    This just brought tears to my eyes- I actually had the same experience you had except my two "poor quality" embryos ended up taking and I know have 5 year old boy/girl twins. But reading this blog entry reminded me of the fear and horror of hearing htat of my 22 eggs, and 17 embryos, only 4 were viable and that they were poor quality at best- after the embryos were transferred I cried and cried adn ould not understand feeling that we had just been told we had lost 13 embryos, 13 potential children, and that the remaining embryos did not have a good chance. I still feel awful that the first thing I ever said about my children was that they were poor quality and would never make it. Infertility is just about the worst thing a woman can go through. Having children to me was as vital as eating or breathing- I can remember I just wanted it so badly. I wish you luck on your journey- infertility changes so much about a woman and her belief in the world

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