**I break from my regularly scheduled “I’m feeling happy” posts to bring you an “I’m feeling shitty” post. I think from the title, you can guess what this one is about.**

Mother’s Day is hitting me hard. In the years since we have been unsuccessful at trying for a baby, I have somehow been able to separate my own despair from this lovely day by honoring my own mother, my grandmother, and all amazing moms that I know. I have always felt it would be selfish to focus on my own shortcomings during a time that really has nothing to do with me.

But, this year, I can’t control my thoughts and feelings. I don’t feel like being gracious or polite. Mother’s Day 2012, fuck off.

To add insult to injury, my birthday was May 6th. Thirty one years ago, I was my mom’s mother’s day gift. That was a really cute story line for the first thirty years of my life. But, this year I’m just feeling old(er) and childless, and it’s a pity party for one. Never in my life have I wished for my birthday to be any other time than one week before mom’s day.

Last weekend, L and I went away for a birthday celebration in Santa Barbara. I was so pumped, and actually recall telling a number of people how excited I was for my birthday this year. This was a departure from my usual blase attitude toward the day of my birth. However, unexpectedly, I ended up getting a random case of bad dizziness/nausea, and all I wanted to do was sleep the entire time. I thought I had the flu or something. The weather was picture perfect. We had plans with my brother who I rarely get to see these days. I was tethered to our hotel room unable to enjoy much of anything.

I realize now that I had (have) a bit of the blues. My body recognized first what my mind was denying. Although my life is on the upswing in many ways, it doesn’t cancel out the fact that I will get haunted by the whole baby thing from time to time.

I keep trying to remind myself that it is okay to feel this way. This is something that I want so badly that it hurts in a way I can’t describe. It hurts from a place that I didn’t even know existed inside of me. I try so desperately every moment of every day not to think about it, because if I think about it too much, the tears will flow.

Wow, that’s dramatic. Unfortunately, I don’t know any other way to describe it. That biological clock that I have silently been questioning if I have or not (even through all of our time TTC!) has come out in full force. Yeah, it’s there, and has apparently decided to start ticking. Loudly.

For those of you who read this that are mothers or pregnant or are members of some kind of Mother’s Day sensitivity group, please don’t think it is a rant against you. Believe me, it’s not you, it’s me. Thanks.

April 24, 2012

thelessthandomesticgoddess

5 Comments

  1. Reply

    AmyC83

    May 10, 2012

    Oh man, I feel for you. Last year I declared the Sunday after Mothers Day to be wanna be a mothers day. I got dressed up and my husband and I went to a museum to see an exhibit I'd been dying to see and then to lunch at my favorite restaurant downtown. I bought myself flowers and tried to forget about all the sadness. It was a great day and one I'll never forget!

  2. Reply

    -J.Darling

    May 10, 2012

    I can understand where you're coming from. By my age, my mother had adopted my brother and I, and we'd been a family for over 10 years. And sometimes, it's easy to feel that I've "missed the boat". I'm turning 33 next year, and going back to the OBGYN to learn what I'm pretty sure I already know – that my left ovary is covered in cysts and probably more useless than useful at this point.

    Another kid thing that hit me hard was when I found out that there is a good chance my dad won't be alive to meet his grandkids. Neither my brother or I have kids. While there is always the hope that his chemo will buy him several more years with us, we know that only 16% of pancreatic cancer patients at his stage live a year and 1/2 past dx. Most make it 6-11months. My dad is an amazing dad. The thought that he might not meet his grandkids weighs on both me and my brother heavily.

    But the truth of life is that anything can happen at any moment to any of us. I love AmyC's idea! Nurture your soul right now. Honor your mom and then find a way to take a deep breath and nurture your soul. The heartbreak those with infertility deal with is very real, and unrelenting. It can make every disappointment seem HUGE. Hopefully you'll be able to do a "birthday redo" when you're feeling better physically. πŸ™‚

    Hang in there! I know you're doing a great job of not letting the pain rob you of the joy that can be found in the now.

  3. Reply

    Mel

    May 10, 2012

    *Hugs* You're not alone, Carly. This month is the 2-year TTC anniversary for my husband and me, and I'm wrestling between my woe-is-me feelings and thankful-for-my-mother-and-MIL feelings. Like you, I'm leaning towards the former. And like you, it's hard not to get emotional about it. I find myself in my office, during work, letting my mind wander to how sucky this all is, and I have to struggle to hold it together.

    Instead of carrying or holding a baby on Saturday, I'm going to be stabbing myself with a needle with medicine in preparation for our upcoming IUI (which gives my husband and I only a 20% chance of conceiving). And I was handed the lovely task of planning Mother's Day lunch because, according to my brother (who, with his wife, had 2 kids in 15 months), "everyone else is a mother." Ouch.

    It's definitely okay to feel this way, and as you can see, you're not alone. My thoughts and prayers are always with you!

  4. Reply

    thelessthandomesticgoddess

    May 11, 2012

    @Amy: I LOVE the concept of wannabe a mother's day! I may have to steal that from you. πŸ™‚ Thank you for understanding what a difficult time this can be. Give Liam a hug from me! xo

    @J: <3 you. Thinking of you and your family a lot these days.

    @Mel: Your comment really hit home with me. I'm so sorry you are struggling, too. I'm also sorry you have to plan Mom's Day lunch. Gosh, that is so tough. πŸ™ Best of luck with your upcoming IUI! Take good care of yourself!

  5. Reply

    completelyrandomsally

    May 15, 2012

    Mother's Day in general has sucked because my mom died 14 years ago and I don't have the greatest relationship with my stepmom. I love my MIL, but she lives nowhere near us.

    This year was extremely hard so I distracted myself with 10 hours of manual labor in my yard. It wasn't my idea (thank you, husband), but it definitely kept me from thinking about it most of the day.

LEAVE A COMMENT

RELATED POSTS