Life has been racing along. I am working on various projects, and trying to keep up with it all. L is doing the same. We are attempting not to allow the cruel hand of infertility or fertility treatments or disappointment or heartache be our guide. We feel grateful to be where we are at right now.
There have been many good days. L and I have been more at ease with each other than we’ve been in a very long time. We are learning to laugh again, and not just at our misfortune (harr harr). The dynamics in our relationship are shifting. We are somewhat back to where we used to be before everything shitty that shall not be named happened in our lives.
I hope this means that we are surviving, and dare I say it, even thriving while childless. What a major feat! However, (yeah, there is a “however”) despite all of this progress, it has not been easy. There are still difficult moments. Like the time before Mother’s Day. That sucked. Also, there is always that empty feeling when I see a pregnant woman or a little one toddling around. It’s a quick zap like the release of a rubber band on my skin. It burns for a second, and then I quickly brush it away. The thing I can’t brush away is the fact that, at some point, we will likely resume fertility treatments. Shit. One step at a time…
I was going through some of my old posts the other day, and I felt sad reading my own words. I scanned the posts quickly, because I didn’t really want to think about all the pain again.
It’s so easy to fixate on what we don’t have (in all respects, not just having children). For a long time, I chose to believe that “everyone” was moving ahead having children, and I was tethered to the ground, paralyzed. I was constantly stuck within varying levels of vulnerability. But, these days, I can’t say I feel that way anymore. At the risk of sounding completely cuckoo (and a tad desperate), I have been asking the universe to protect me, and, if it’s not too busy, if it could give us a baby at some point. 😉 I am keeping the faith that it will all work itself out. Time marches on, and I am somehow moving along…in my own way.
Something may always feel like it is missing within me, but I am still determined to live the best life possible.