In the 4+ years since I started this blog, I don’t believe I have ever taken a month off from writing! From wedding planning to getting married to newlywed status and beyond, I have had A LOT to say. This blog (and you that have read and supported me throughout the years) has been a source for inspiration, celebration, and love. You have also seen me through some very, very difficult times; the hardest of my life. You may not know it, but you kept me going through many of those rough patches. That is why I feel so bad about falling silent. It isn’t for lack of care or a desire to be mysterious. I think about my blog a lot, but I just don’t know where to start with all of this.
Some blogs catalog the rebuilding of their kitchens or losing ten pounds or the growth of a pregnant belly. I blogged about infertility and chronic health problems. Fun! But that was what was going on in my life, so I won’t apologize for it. However, somehow my focus shifted from living with infertility to an infertile life. It took me awhile, but I discovered that is simply not sustainable. One cannot live off of negativity and disappointment forever. It has to stop at some point by either (a) getting better or (b) finding a new way to live.
I chose (b) because, well, things weren’t getting better. I now realize that through choosing option (b), option (a) happened.
I wish I had a focal point right now; some tangible project I could undertake to physically show you it’s getting better. But I can’t take weekly photos of my progress, because it’s all contained in my big ass noggin. This is the grandest journey in self-discovery I have undertaken since I started college over ten years ago and had no clue who I was or what I wanted to be. I am now 30 (about to be 31) and am going through a second wave of “reinventing” myself. It seems a lot harder at 31. Maybe because my ability to throw caution to the wind has waned and the days of relying on my parents’ bank accounts are over? What a lot of folks figure out by their mid-twenties has taken me an extra five years to grasp. This is my life. Whatever I am doing or not doing at the moment shapes and defines me and my life. Life wasn’t delivering all of the gifts I dreamed it would, and it was hard to face that music. Reality can be such a bitch. However, it meant I had to put my head down, and work that much harder. I have always been a hard worker, but I broke down. I felt like doors were closing all around me. I got so used to doors closing that I forgot that they can open, too.
When I thought about what defined me, as a person, I came up short. I wanted someone, anyone, to figure my life out for me. Newsflash! That doesn’t happen when you’re an adult. When you’re an adult you figure your own shit out. See what I mean? Most people get this by their mid-twenties. I was still confused, and that made me feel out of control. Cue: anxiety. Sure I can blame it on the lack of getting pregnant or the never-ending health issues. Those were major contributing factors, but ultimately, I was lost. I am still working on forgiving myself for all of this.
So I’ve been away from the blog and away from most online distractions that just aren’t what I need right now. These days you can find me on Pinterest pinning cute clothes and pretty handbags. I enjoy the mindlessness of it. But other than that, I need to focus and keep working on my priorities. I think about you all (or you few?) a lot. Sometimes I read your blogs, because I miss you guys and want to know what’s going on with you. Thank you for the emails and kind words and messages wondering if I’m alive. I am alive and doing really, really well! Thank you for caring and reaching out. It means a lot.