I keep meaning to say something. I have mentally written a dozen blog posts in the past few weeks. The truth is that I have nothing to say, and everything to say at the same time. No, I’m not pregnant. I feel like I need to put that out there given that I have written about infertility for so long, and then I just went silent.

This isn’t really a post about pregnancy or fertility/infertility though. It’s about how I am trying to take back control of my life after a long time of feeling like I couldn’t get a grasp on anything. Two years of pain, surgeries, and negative pregnancy tests will do that to a person. I had no concept of time, because I was always looking ahead, and thinking about how next month was “the” month.

No more of that. I’m done with that mentality. I’m done with trying to be three steps ahead, and forgetting about what is going on in the here and now. An opportunity presented itself for me to work a job doing something I love, and I took it. I don’t want to jinx anything, but I am starting to find myself again. Sure, I’d love it if a baby were part of all of this, but, what are you going to do, right? I need to focus on the aspects of my life that I can control.

I have also discovered that this new lease on life is contagious! L realized that he’s been in a rut, and created a whole new set of professional goals for himself. It’s amazing to hear him waking up early or notice he’s not in bed at night because he’s staying up late working toward his goals. We are both exhausted, and have little free time (bye bye online time), but we feel so hopeful about the future.

I know that being in a better place not only helps me, but it helps everyone around me. I had let my existence become so small, and that was crippling. We will never give up on expanding our family. Never. However, hoping for children is just one aspect of what is going on in my life right now. It doesn’t define me.

I am finally starting to remember that life is good.

March 26, 2012
April 24, 2012

thelessthandomesticgoddess

12 Comments

  1. Reply

    hemborgwife

    March 28, 2012

    I understand what you mean about coming back to life, the past few years I felt were waiting for our wedding then waiting to hear if we would move and then waiting to move and now we are finally settled and I have found the things that make me me again.
    Glad to hear that you have things going for you and a job you like can really make all the difference!

  2. Reply

    Matthew & Rachel Hughes

    March 28, 2012

    I hate those life ruts! But I am glad you have something to excite yourself.

  3. Reply

    Chanel // We Belong in Paris

    March 28, 2012

    I'm happy to hear you and L are on a path to bliss. Focusing on the things we can't control is easy.. but the ones we CAN control seem to be the most difficult. GO YOU! Miss you on twitter!!! but that's just me being selfish. haha

  4. Reply

    ricecakesandredemption

    March 28, 2012

    I can absolutely relate. After 8 failed IVF cycles I was relieved when it was over. I recently got accepted to graduate school and my husband is creating some new goals for himself as well. It is so nice to participate in our lives again and not feel tethered to our infertility. Some people don't have kids – its a fact – & I may end up being one of them.

  5. Reply

    -J.Darling

    March 28, 2012

    YEAH!!!! I want to pop a bottle of champagne for you! πŸ™‚ I knew you'd find your way! You have so much to offer the world! You've inspired L and I'm sure many others in the meantime. Way to go girl!

  6. Reply

    Our Wired Lives

    March 28, 2012

    Welcome back to life πŸ™‚ You sound really content in this post. Big hugs, it's been a long journey to get here. I hope it keeps getting better.

  7. Reply

    thelessthandomesticgoddess

    March 28, 2012

    @hemborgwife: You've been through so many major life changes! It's great to hear that you are feeling settled and more like yourself again. πŸ™‚

    @Matthew&Rachel Hughes: Thank you!

    @Chanel: Thanks, Chanel! Miss you too. Hopefully I can get back to tweeting soon! πŸ™‚

    @ricecakesandredemption: Congratulations on getting into graduate school! And, I agree, it does feel quite good to explore life beyond infertility.

    @J.Darling: Thanks, J! Your words mean a lot. πŸ™‚

    @Our Wired Lives: Thanks so much, Nellie! I hope it does, too. Big hugs to you!

  8. Reply

    EndoJoanna

    March 28, 2012

    It's good to hear that you are still here! I think that's great that you are focusing on other aspects of your life, because lives are made up of more than one focus! I hope things continue to look up and feel better for you and your hubs! Please keep us updated on how things get on for you!

  9. Reply

    completelyrandomsally

    March 29, 2012

    It's good to hear from you. Congrats on the new job!

    I have moments where I'm still in the rut, but each day is better. Like you, I'm concentrating on what I can control. It's a lot easier.

  10. Reply

    Chic 'n Cheap Living

    March 29, 2012

    It is so good to hear that good things are going on for you and L now. I had let negative experiences at a job color my perspectives completely. I know it isn't the same thing, but like you did feel better when I remembered there was more to life (and am still working on that life direction!)

  11. Reply

    Jodi

    March 29, 2012

    You have such a great attitude! I totally agree with what you say here. I sometimes feel the same way (since I'm still single) but I don't let it define me or put life on hold b/c of it. I've really learned to appreciate all the things I can do b/c I'm not married and/or parenting. What happens in the future will happen anyways but enjoying the here and now is so important too.

  12. Reply

    EndoJourney

    March 30, 2012

    So proud of you dear friend. What you both are doing is so important and an essential part of this fertility journey. I'm so glad you're taking care of yourselves. You deserve it!

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