I keep meaning to say something. I have mentally written a dozen blog posts in the past few weeks. The truth is that I have nothing to say, and everything to say at the same time. No, I’m not pregnant. I feel like I need to put that out there given that I have written about infertility for so long, and then I just went silent.
This isn’t really a post about pregnancy or fertility/infertility though. It’s about how I am trying to take back control of my life after a long time of feeling like I couldn’t get a grasp on anything. Two years of pain, surgeries, and negative pregnancy tests will do that to a person. I had no concept of time, because I was always looking ahead, and thinking about how next month was “the” month.
No more of that. I’m done with that mentality. I’m done with trying to be three steps ahead, and forgetting about what is going on in the here and now. An opportunity presented itself for me to work a job doing something I love, and I took it. I don’t want to jinx anything, but I am starting to find myself again. Sure, I’d love it if a baby were part of all of this, but, what are you going to do, right? I need to focus on the aspects of my life that I can control.
I have also discovered that this new lease on life is contagious! L realized that he’s been in a rut, and created a whole new set of professional goals for himself. It’s amazing to hear him waking up early or notice he’s not in bed at night because he’s staying up late working toward his goals. We are both exhausted, and have little free time (bye bye online time), but we feel so hopeful about the future.
I know that being in a better place not only helps me, but it helps everyone around me. I had let my existence become so small, and that was crippling. We will never give up on expanding our family. Never. However, hoping for children is just one aspect of what is going on in my life right now. It doesn’t define me.
I am finally starting to remember that life is good.