I looked back at my posts lately, and realized that I don’t have much to show for my writing (or my life for that matter) other than blubbering on about trying to conceive. It has become somewhat of an obsession; an obsession that I would like to make peace with for awhile. While trying to conceive has been a constant in our lives for a long time – living, thinking, and breathing infertility has reached epic proportions lately. In short, I need to cool it.

The clincher occurred late last week when we were told our latest IUI was postponed. Our first attempt was cancelled. I never told you about that, because it was horrible, and I am trying to erase it from short term memory. But after this latest road block, I broke. As I sat in my fertility doctor’s reception area waiting to pay him $200 for more bad news, I literally wanted to scream. Infertility, you broke me. Congratulations, f*cker.

Nothing has been easy for us; not one step. I could not placate my feelings for another moment. I finally accessed those tears I told you about that went missing during the earlier part of this year. I let the overwhelming sadness in my heart mingle with the disappointment in my mind. Heart and mind had a long, overdue rendezvous, and it wasn’t pretty. I told L that he should consider finding another woman in his life, because I wasn’t cutting it anymore. Not a personal high point. He held me, and we cried together. Our marriage is far from perfect, but whoa, we still totally love each other. How is that even possible after all the shit we’ve been through? I cried to my mom about all of the infertile things I could never say to her over the past two years. She listened through the phone, and told me she already knew. Turns out moms feel everything we are going through even when we say nothing. At this point, she doesn’t give a shit about grandchildren. She just wants me to be okay. She’s told me that before, but I really needed to hear it at that very moment.

I’ve been quiet and contemplative the past few days. I think I need time to just be, and figure out where I am going from here. I had a different outlook on life before this baby stuff took over. It’s difficult to see that outlook slipping into obscurity. I always said I wouldn’t be that sad, barren woman. Lately, I am learning that I am that woman, and it’s okay. I repeat: it’s OKAY. It’s okay to be sad sometimes. It’s okay to feel defeated. I’m emotionally bruised and beaten up, but I’m still me.

The month of December has actually been pretty good for us minus the fertility treatments. I’m looking forward to a new year, and new opportunities. Hope is always there, but we need a fresh start. I was trying to be all cheery earlier this month, but, I just want this year to end. This makes my participation in WEVerb#11 a little tricky, but I still want to try and keep up with some of the prompts!

{Us at Joffrey Ballet’s The Nutcracker. Doesn’t L look beyond excited for his first ballet?!}

Thank you all for your continued support. I’m thinking of all of you this holiday season whether single, dating, married, divorced, child-free, trying to conceive, infertile, pregnant, or parents! Did I miss anyone? You have been such lights in my life.

December 22, 2011

thelessthandomesticgoddess

19 Comments

  1. Reply

    Busylizzy

    December 14, 2011

    Oh honey! My heart goes out to you. I am thinking of you and hope for a fantastic 2012 for you. Hugs!

  2. Reply

    Try Anything Once Terri

    December 14, 2011

    I've been having a similar month emotionally so far, except my issue is not infertility. While I can't claim to understand what that's like, I do have the same sense of frustration. I've been feeling the same way you have about wanting this year to just end already. I can totally see how infertility can be all-consuming emotionally, and I'm glad that you are feeling okay to just let your emotions out.

    We're all thinking of you. Take care of yourself this holiday season.

  3. Reply

    conventionalbliss

    December 14, 2011

    YOU ARE MY HERO!!! As we start our TTC journey, I can't even imagine the roller coaster of emotion you've been on these past couple of years. Thank you for sharing your story, for your honesty, your transparency into a topic that isn't readily shared in public spheres. Thinking of you, L, the furbabies, and sending you endless baby juju for 2012!

    LOVE LOVE LOVE you, sweet friend.

  4. Reply

    Rachel Hughes

    December 14, 2011

    I constantly pray for you, your situation, and your emotions. I can empathize with all of those crazy emotions you are feeling. They truly are a bitch! I will be praying for peace and resolution in your life now and for the future.

  5. Reply

    Our Wired Lives

    December 14, 2011

    many many hugs. It's really good that you're continuing to share your story. I appreciate the honesty. And from a reader to her blog writer, I enjoy reading about your journey. You're a good writer with a lot of "voice". So if it's any constellation prize… you've gained and maintained me as a reader and follower.

  6. Reply

    Chanel

    December 14, 2011

    hugs & kisses dear.

  7. Reply

    Geek in Heels

    December 14, 2011

    Oh Carly. This post made my eyes well up some and I couldn't help but say a prayer for you and your husband. There are times when I wish I could just give you my womb β€” as morbid as it sounds, I'm completely serious because I know how much you want a baby and I also know how much you would love him/her and care for him/her with all your heart. I pray that the TTC journey ahead will be easier for you guys…wishing you lots of juju and pregnancy dust!

  8. Reply

    e.louise {Liz}

    December 14, 2011

    HUGE HUGS from Austin!!!! I hope your heart heals, and I know, in time, it will.

  9. Reply

    ruthy ann

    December 14, 2011

    You probably don't even realize how sharing your story (to the universe) is helping others go through the same thing. I know that probably doesn't help much…but I don't believe anything you've gone through is in vain. Keep hanging on to that hope!

  10. Reply

    AmyJean {Relentless Bride / Fry, The Baby}

    December 14, 2011

    I am thinking of you! I can't imagine your feelings but i can send you love and support from DC. I'm hoping 2012 will bring you all the things you dream of… you are an amazing person, so eloquent and honest! Thank you for being inspiring~

  11. Reply

    thelessthandomesticgoddess

    December 14, 2011

    @BusyLizzy: Thank you so much, friend. That means a lot! Hoping for a wonderful 2012 for you, too.

    @Terri: It helps to know that others understand for whatever reason, not just infertility. With that said, I'm sorry to hear that you've been going through an emotionally trying time. πŸ™ Wishing you love and happiness in 2012. We are almost there! πŸ™‚

    @Jee-Young: Thank you, friend! Love you too. Been thinking about you lately, and sending you a ton of TTC luck. I got your email. Gonna email you back. You're so sweet. <3

    @Rachel: Thank you so much for keeping us in your prayers. We really need it! Infertility is so hard. πŸ™

    @Our Wired Lives: My blog friends (you included, of course) are such a major support in my life! I don't know where I would be without you guys. So, yes, it means a lot to read comments like yours. πŸ™‚

    @Chanel: <3

    @Jenny: Ok, you just made me cry! I kinda wish I could borrow your womb for a little while, too – to add to the strangeness of this exchange. πŸ˜‰ Give Claire and Aerin lots of hugs and kisses from me. I wish I could come over and babysit. Why are we like 47 states apart?! πŸ™

    @Liz: Thank you, friend! I can feel the Austin love. Sending you some L.A. hugs, too. πŸ™‚

    ruthy ann: It does help a lot to hear that. Thank you. I'm trying to keep the faith that this will all be worth it some day!

    @AmyJean and Fry, The Baby: Sorry, I couldn't resist also addressing Fry, the Baby here. πŸ™‚ Thank you for the continued love! It really means a lot. Thinking of you and Baby Fry! xo

  12. Reply

    -J.Darling

    December 14, 2011

    Congrats! It's so hard to finally let some of those fears and emotions out, but I think, until we're ready to admit them, we give them a certain power over us. I'm so glad you got just what you needed from your mom and L! It's so easy to feel like a "failure" as a women because poppin' out kids doesn't come easy to some of us. I do feel a little bit of pressure as well. Seems like all the Navy wives are either stay at home moms, or barely legal doing the bar scene. I'm in neither category. Hang in there. I'm ready for next year too! Hopefully it'll bring new clarity for you as well as far as finding a balance between being you and coping with infertility.

  13. Reply

    Layla

    December 14, 2011

    Hugs, friend. <3

  14. Reply

    Jenn Marie

    December 15, 2011

    ***HUGS***

    I'm right here with you, hun. TOTALLY with you on this. I've broken down a few times when I literally could not hold onto any more and it had to unload. And boy that doesn't happen at an opportune moment. It's in a store or in an office or at a familyevent … when I go all ape-Sh*t and i'm that girl who cries now apparantly.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you from on girl to another on this road — my road may be different than yours, but in truth, I totally get it.

    There should be a secret handshake for this.

    Stop by my blog for my TTC fun if you'd like — I was estatic to find you … not many out there blog about this crap-tastic journey to babyland.www.arewepregnantyet-jenn.blogspot.com

    I also blog at http://www.blenifer.com when I'm not focused on my ovaries. :0)

  15. Reply

    completelyrandomsally

    December 15, 2011

    Hugs! I have hope for 2012. I can't not. It's the only way I'm making it through the holidays without breaking into a million pieces.

  16. Reply

    TwoWishes Tara

    December 15, 2011

    Sorry, hon. Wish I could say anything more useful than "sorry." But I cried at the doctor's office this morning too — it's all so stressful when you have long-term problems and have to place your hope in what's often a heartless, inefficient, and otherwise broken system. Hope we both see some progress in the coming year.

  17. Reply

    Anonymous

    December 15, 2011

    Sending hugs and positive vibes

    Krista (can't log in right now)

  18. Reply

    Amy

    December 15, 2011

    Thinking of you!

  19. Reply

    Michelle

    December 21, 2011

    oh carly. on one hand i'm so happy that you were able to have a release yet i'm sad for what brought you there. i'm finding that we have more and more in common than we ever thought – just this morning i had *the* convo with my gyn re: endo. she was so quick and mater of fact about it and i totally felt like i wasn't really there in my body – does that make sense? anyhow, you always have been my hero, now more than ever.

    here's to a brand new year with new possibilities, new hope, new peace!

    much love. xo

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