Ok. I made a pact with myself and L that I wouldn’t talk about any part of our fertility journey if one or both of us deemed it too personal or too sensitive. Apparently we haven’t reached that point yet, because I am going to discuss the next leg of this sober acid trip: IUI.
We will be doing an IUI this next cycle. I’ll get some fertility medication to make my normal ovaries into Super Ovaries. When I’m about to ovulate, L will do his thing, and we will try and make a miracle happen amid the romantic backdrop of my doctor’s office.
And that’s the abridged version of what the remainder of 2011 looks like for us.
The Debbie Downer in me is clawing to get out, and rain on this parade before it has even begun. Why? Scientifically speaking, this procedure will likely end in a negative pregnancy test. IUI doesn’t have a great track record when it comes to endometriosis patients. However, we have decided to muster up every little scrap of hope and faith, and give it a try. Why? Because we love to be let down.
I’m kidding! Of course, we are excited and hopeful. We are scared, but always hopeful.
The biggest fear for me is the emotional part of this process. Can I handle the emotional highs and lows? Due to a series of constant let downs, I’ve built up a pretty thick protective shell. As someone who used to cry over everything, I haven’t shed many tears lately. Negative pregnancy tests, the news that endometriosis had blown out my reproductive organs, the news that my tube was blocked, the news that a cyst grew back, bad news after bad news after bad news.
I haven’t cried in a doctor’s office since my OB-GYN suspected I had endo last year and we scheduled my lap.
It’s called self-preservation, I guess?
I am terrified of falling down a rabbit hole of despair. I have a husband, family, friends, and grown-up responsibilities to tend to. I simply can’t fall apart.
I’m not saying this because I’m proud of it. I have wondered where the waterworks are and why they haven’t turned on. I actually need to have a good cry. I know it will happen somewhat unexpectedly. They’ll be out of Depends sized maxi pads at the market, and I’ll burst into tears. (I really hope that doesn’t happen.)
Until I decide to let it all out, Carly the Tin Man has control of the reins. What was the point of this post again? Oh yeah, we are starting fertility treatment.
If you can muster a shred of hope and/or strength for us this month, we would really, really appreciate it. Love you guys.