I worry a lot about keeping my voice authentic on this blog. Throughout the years, many have praised me for being “honest” and “keeping it real.” I thrived off of those compliments, and still very much do. However, when you are tackling mammoth problems like infertility and chronic health issues, it’s hard to remain true to yourself and not feel like a major wet blanket.
Things like infertility and chronic health problems don’t scare easily. They tend to hang on. Even when an infertile woman gets pregnant, it seems she is still riddled with concern and worry that goes beyond the cares of an average pregnant woman. If I’m ever lucky enough to be pregnant, I’m sure I will worry every single day. Chronic health problems? Well, they’re chronic. That explains that.
I often struggle about what to share on here and what not to. I still haven’t decided how much I will reveal about the next phase of our fertility journey because (1) it’s going to be a very exhausting process and (2) what if the outcome is grim? At the risk of sounding pathetic, I wonder what you all will think of me. Did I not try hard enough? Is my life just a constant string of bad luck? Doesn’t she ever have anything positive to discuss?
It’s hard to strike that balance. Actually, it’s been tough to strike this balance on my blog and in my real life.
Sometimes I feel like I have already revealed too much; that I have forced everyone on this endometriosis/infertility/mental road trip of mine, and some of you are begging to get off at the next stop. Some of you have already gotten off. Others are sticking around just to be polite. This started as a life blog, then became a wedding blog, and now it’s what? At times, it is a blog that very few of you originally signed up to read.
I can’t promise anyone a happy ending. I can’t promise anyone an adorable baby, a beautiful house, or a closet full of designer clothes. I wish my life were filled with all the tender, picture perfect moments I see on other blogs. But, that’s just not my life right now. There are some great moments in between all the chaos, but there is still a whole bunch of weirdness.
Lately, I’ve been questioning where I am going with this blog. I’ve been questioning what we will do if fertility treatments don’t work. I’ve been questioning where I am going with my life. So actually, this exercise in figuring out what my blog has evolved into, is also an exercise in figuring out what direction my life is going in.