I had a few scattered free moments to think about the post I wrote last week. I read through all of your comments and emails. I was touched to read some of the stories you all shared with me about your own lives. I felt a bit needy for unintentionally seeking everyone’s approval of this blog. But, at the same time, it felt empowering to know that somehow some way by sharing my story I am helping some of you out. That felt good. There has to be a reason for all of this. If that reason is to help others then that makes me happy.
A few of you responded that this is my blog, and I should write whatever I want. I agree. I don’t know how to respond other than to say that sometimes I’m a wienee, and I second guess who I am. When I wrote the other post, I felt defined by a lot of what I have written about on here: anxiety, infertility, chronic health issues, etc.; all of which play roles in my life at the moment, but none of which I want to be defined by. I struggle with that. I don’t want to be “that infertile woman” or “that sick girl” or “that Paxil lady”.
No, no, no. I want to be “that Asian chick with the nice ass.”
Allow me to explain: Circa 1999, the hottest guy in my high school referred to me as “that Asian chick with the nice ass”. I was flattered, and I don’t really care what that says about me. He probably has a beer gut and five kids by now. And I’m sitting here blogging about it. Hmmm…But yeah, that’s my big goal in life: to be that Asian chick with the nice ass again.
At the end of the day, this is my life. These are my experiences. You guys are going to read my blog, and take away from it what you will take away from it. There are going to be people who think I’m making good decisions. There are going to be those who think I’m doing it all wrong. But either way, I am going to keep trying to be as honest as I possibly can. I am going to continue to talk about a lot of the hard stuff. I am also going to continue to talk about the fun stuff.
Thank you all for putting it in perspective for me. I was starting to lose my way, and you guys really helped me remember why it is I’m here.