While I was writing my Fertility Fine Tuning post, I began cataloging all of the good and bad things that have come out of the whole baby-making journey. It is a journey that is so often described as arduous, nerve-wracking, and scary. I have definitely felt all of those emotions. However, as someone who has been through a number of lows, I truly appreciate and want to talk about the highs that this path has blessed me with.

A major high is the intimacy I have shared with my husband. Without getting too graphic, I’d like to take a few moments to touch on how long(er) term baby-making has helped my marriage.

Mom, you may want to stop reading.

Since the beginning of our relationship, L and I have had a strong chemical attraction. In other words, we never had a hint of a problem in {ahem} the sex department. See Mom? I told you to stop reading!

Anyway, while passion in our relationship came fairly easy for both of us, it changed drastically as a result of my health problems. Due to my constant spotting, my anxieties, and my physical weakness, I didn’t feel like being touched, let alone getting naked or anything close to that.

L put on a brave face, and I ignored the subject of sex entirely. I didn’t want to talk about it. I know communication is key and all that bullshit, but until tough things happen in your relationship, you don’t realize how hard communication can actually be.

We were newlyweds…let me repeat that, we were newlyweds…and our sex lives had never been so dull. We basically lived like robots. It was pathetic.

But then this funny thing happened. I started to feel better physically and emotionally, and we became committed to the process of making a baby. In the beginning, it wasn’t easy. I was still uncomfortable with my body, and we had lost that level of sexual intimacy that we had honed through years of being together.

Nothing is more awkward (and might I add, depressing) than not feeling in sync with your husband.

Yet we kept working at it. During ovulation time, even if either of us was feeling like shit, we “took one for the team.” The possibility and excitement of a baby brought that spark back and more. Lately, I have never felt closer or more in love with my husband.

I’m not advocating that everyone who feels sexually frustrated in their marriage go out and try to make a baby. No, please don’t do that. Yet sometimes we run across relationship hurdles that take a toll on our sex lives. It’s inevitable. Sometimes you lose your mojo, and it takes work to get it back. In retrospect, I really think I was in a state of perpetual avoidance. Even when things were at their worst, I somehow believed I was above admitting that we would need to work to get things back to normal. Big mistake. In marriage, you are never really above anything anymore. It is the END of cool πŸ˜‰

Another important lesson I learned is that as detestable as I used to think scheduling sexy time was, I am now a huge proponent of it. Spontaneity is nice, but not always realistic. As adults, we often lead very busy lives. If you need to schedule sex, do it! There is no shame in that. Actually you might be surprised at how many times scheduled sex paves the way for fun, spontaneous sex. The more you have it, the more you want it.

While it doesn’t erase the disappointment of a “not pregnant” test result (btw, I hate those digital pregnancy tests. Not Pregnant? Fuck you! I’d rather putter around imagining I’m seeing another pink line and lying to myself for awhile) or a streak of blood on the toilet paper, it makes me feel good that L and I have reclaimed our mojo.

I hope we never, ever lose it again. But if we do, I hope we can help each other work to bounce back.

If anyone else wants to comment, by all means, please share your thoughts on sex, marriage, baby-making, health, or anything remotely applicable here. The readers and commenters of this blog are always so nice and thoughtful, which I deeply appreciate πŸ™‚

thelessthandomesticgoddess

15 Comments

  1. Reply

    Matthew & Rachel Hughes

    January 31, 2011

    I love that you have admitted what most women wouldn't. I think it is great you two have found your mojo!

  2. Reply

    Katie

    January 31, 2011

    This put a non creepy smile on my face. Such a good read. My husband and I are newlyweds and just recently got our mojo back (yes yes yes). It's nice to know we're not alone. It's amazing how it changes our moods and our relationship. I love how you write about working on it together. I hope that when it's time for us to try for a baby we'll grow even closer. You go girl.

  3. Reply

    Charlene @ Sweetchic

    January 31, 2011

    What a great post, I really love your honesty!

  4. Reply

    Kristin - Mrs. Glasses

    January 31, 2011

    Thanks for this post. We moved from Japan to America in October and also had our wedding then. You would figure being newlyweds, this would be the time when we would be very hot and heavy. Well, it's been the exact opposite. With all the stress of the wedding, moving continents, getting our shit together, and finding jobs we are at an all time low in this department. My husband said he didn't feel like a man with all the unemployment, and now that he's employed, I am on edge everyday with interviews and waiting for job offers.. just not sexy. We try to schedule sex and I just can't bring myself to have it. I am in a really weird place in my head about not being able to be with my husband because I feel like sex is a big part of marriage. He is being really really understanding but it still feels disturbing. It feels good to know I'm not alone and to have a place to read about it and discuss it. As formulaic as having sex to make a baby sounds, I can see how it can be very exciting! I hope 2011 brings great things for you two!

  5. Reply

    shutterbugwife

    January 31, 2011

    This is such a great and honest post! I have told my husband that I think trying to conceive has totally improved our sex life and he agrees. Those nights where we would both rather veg and watch tv, but instead try to make a baby are always worth it.

  6. Reply

    Layla

    January 31, 2011

    Same. Exactly the same – in the ignoring it department. My poor husband. He knows I am in pain 80% of the time and traumatized at the thought of being intimate but my method – ignoring it – probably isn't doing either of us any good. But he never complains….patience personified. And me? The queen of acting like nothing is wrong, when everything is. Thanks for this post and your honesty.

  7. Reply

    -J.Darling

    January 31, 2011

    What a great post!

    It's a funny thing that the less women have sex, the less they want it, the more their anxiety builds, etc.

    But sometimes doing it when you're not "in the mood" is just want you need to do to jumpstart your libido! I've also found that if my fiancee REALLY wants it, and I'm not really into it – He usually knows what buttons to push to get me in the mood.

    The opposite is exactly true for women as well. The more you do it, the more you want it!

  8. Reply

    Sugar

    January 31, 2011

    Great post. I find that when we are mad at each other- we haven't had sex for awhile. Sending good baby making vibes your way (in a totally non-creepy way).

  9. Reply

    Geek in Heels

    January 31, 2011

    Thanks for the honesty! My husband and I never had trouble in this department either, but it all changed after the baby came. I feel bad for the guy β€” I really do, because he used to get it regularly and now I don't feel ANY sexual desire at all (they say that lack of sleep and stress leads to lack of libido). I honestly don't think my libido has been this low since before I hit puberty! And in our case, I don't think we grew closer intimately which TTC either because it was during such a stressful time in our lives.

    I'm truly happy for you and your husband and I say enjoy doing the baby dance as much as possible!

  10. Reply

    Katie

    January 31, 2011

    Such a great post my dear: loved reading this πŸ™‚

    The hubs and I didn't have sex with each other until our wedding night. All my friends would joke about it…saying that we'd be like rabbits having sex all the time as newlyweds. I cringe thinking about it, honestly!

    When I think about it in retrospect, I actually think the waiting might have impacted our current sex life. We spent a year and a half together/dating/engaged…but not having sex. We got into a routine. And we got used to it…so going from one extreme to another was kind of a shock, and we're still figuring it out. I hate to admit this, but sometimes I would MUCH rather have a really good back rub in lieu of sex. I mean…back rubs are really nice! I do find myself wondering how frequent is "normal" for sexy time with most couples…if we are abnormal with our current "schedule." But then again, we are both really happy, so why worry ourselves with what other people do? What works for us works for us…at least for now πŸ™‚

    Anyway, great post!

  11. Reply

    lynn

    February 1, 2011

    It is reasuring to know that I'm not the only one experiencing something similiar. For us, my husband's cancer returned less than a month after we were married and he had to have a transplant. Between the stress of worrying about him and our future, working full-time while being his care giver and dealing with all the side affects of his medicine to his health and personality, I don't have any desire to do anything in bed other than sleep. Add on that we don't know yet if we'll even be able to have children. It's been rough and I keep trying to remind myself that it won't always be this way…but that is way easier said than done.

    Thank you for sharing. It means a lot. You said some things that made me think – I know I have things I need to work on and this really helps. Thank you!

  12. Reply

    Yankee

    February 1, 2011

    Thank you so much for sharing! Means so much- I love your blog. You are so open and honest with your followers and I think that just makes all of us love you more.

    I am recently married and have worried about our sexy time- so to read this and know that other couples have the same issue makes me feel normal!

    Thanks, again. Sooo very helpful.

  13. Reply

    Mo

    February 1, 2011

    Hooray for claiming your mojo! I think all the other commenters already said it, but I'll say it again–thank you again for your honesty.

    It's tough to keep the mojo going, especially with our busy lives and getting into a routine after so many years, but we also {ahem} don't have too many problems in this area for the most part. There have been some definite lulls, but like any other aspect in our relationship, our sex life ebbs and flows. Lingerie, wine, and weekends away–all good remedies. πŸ™‚

  14. Reply

    bekapaige

    February 2, 2011

    So true! I went through some horrible back pain that made even the thought of sex unimaginable. After a few months though, I realized how much of an impact it was having on our marriage and overall happiness and sucked it up- and it really, really is true, the more you have it, the more you want it!

    And scheduling- yeah. We did it for a while and what a difference. Need to get back to doing it again! So glad you got your mojo back πŸ™‚

  15. Reply

    thelessthandomesticgoddess

    February 3, 2011

    Thanks, everyone! xo

    @lynn: Big hug. Thank you for opening up about you and your husband. I am thinking healing thoughts for you guys! I hope you move past the tough times very, very soon πŸ™‚

    @Yankee: Awww, thank you so much! You always say such nice things. I'm glad I could be of some help!

    @Mo: Oooh yes, weekends away are a HUGE help, if we can find the time!

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